Rick Mercer's Blog: December 2005

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Children are the Future but Beer is now.

Like so many Canadians I was appalled by Scott Reid’s comment about the proposed Conservative child care plan. In case you have been living under a rock and missed it, Scott recently quipped that under the plan parents could choose to spend their 25 dollar a week child care allowance on beer instead of child care. Clearly Scott is wrong. We all know that in this country it would be impossible to find a parent who would spend 25 bucks a week on beer. For starters a case of beer costs more than 25 bucks. A case of domestic is about 35 bucks and the trendier imports cost even more. I happen to know this because I drink beer. I don’t have kids so I have no idea what child care costs. I admit I’m surprised that 25 bucks a week will pay for daycare but what do I know.

While we all recognize and agree that Scott is an enemy of all that is holy, I feel there is a bigger issue at hand here.

In the stampede to condemn Scott and his comments about child care policy I have noticed a very real and very ugly sentiment sneaking into the national discourse. I am talking of course, about an anti-beer agenda.

I ask you Canada, since when is it okay to beat up beer drinkers?

I do not believe that just because someone said something stupid it should suddenly be open season on lovers of ale and lager.

We all have a responsibility to protect the most vulnerable in society and believe it or not this week the most vulnerable are the people you have a few pints with.

So I ask you: who will stand up for the beer drinker?

Not the Conservative party that’s for sure. In fact the Conservative party has made statements about beer this week that I believe are hurtful and in fact verge on hateful.

Conservative Child Care Critic Rona Ambrose called a press conference this week to condemn Scott Reid. That’s fine, but did she stop there? No. Rona Ambrose placed a warm case of Blue on a table and openly mocked both the product and those who consume it. She held a case of Blue up for ridicule! Is this a Canada you recognize? Imagine if she did this with a Jewish person or a homosexual or a midget? Shame Rona Shame.

And now I hear that an “anti-beer special interest group” has created a website to promote this anti-beer pro-child agenda. They are collecting names for a petition at a website located at www.kidsnotbeer.com

Well I for one am not prepared to let the Kids Not Beer people win this one. I know they have a healthy head start but I know that beer drinkers are out there and if I can get to them before 6:00 or 7:00 in the evening they can be organized. Together we can stand up and say “My Canada includes having a few pops.”

Please sign my BEER NOT KIDS petition located at www.Beernotkids.com

Let’s stop the hate and let the beer drinking begin.

Remember: children may be our greatest resource but beer is our greatest beverage.

And besides if it wasn’t for beer most of these kids wouldn’t have been born anyway.

Good luck Canada.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Harper and Martin Round 2

Assimilated by Trevor Gardiner

Hold Me by Robert Lanctot

School Chair

One Man Band by James Taylor

Next Time I'm Driving by Dan Davis

Behind the Swinging Doors by Chelsea Smith

It's Not Easy Being Green by Cameron Brodzki

Deft block by Craig Blanchard

Liberal Funland by Justin Reiber

Il Dodo by Jim Boyle

I Like Mustard! by Matthew MacPherson

Interpretive Dance by D.R. MacMaster

Bring me the head of Jean Chretien by James Cornish and Sharleen Skinner

Untitled by Trevor Gardiner

Guitar Duel by Jeb Dexter

On the Pitch by Bradley Banks

Bad Santa by Doug Webber

Ultimate Campaign Championship by Wayne McDowell

An Elexmas Carol by Sarah Ormiston

Election Night in Canada by Doug Webber

Duct tape

Decepticons by Dan Crichton

The Pork Council by Agatha

Good oral hygiene by Gord Carter

Marionettes by Ben Hahn

Angels for Mercer by Avery Strok

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Merry Elexmas! A Campaign Update from The Desk of the Prime Minister

My fellow Liberals,

All in all a pretty good start I think.

As expected the media has been critical of us in these, the early days of the campaign. Basically they are all saying the same thing:

1. The Liberals don’t have a cohesive campaign plan.
2. The Prime Minister seems to be invisible.

Well all I can say is imagine how embarrassed they are going to be when they realize that me being invisible is the cohesive campaign plan. Eat that Chantal Hebert!

It’s a simple plan but it is a solid one. As you know I believe that “the simple way is the best way” (or at least that’s what the party clearly decided in the months before my coronation)… but I digress. Let me spell it out for you: this election is going to be decided in the heartland that is Ontario, and the more I stay out of Ontario the more popular I get.

Look, Harper is on the news every five minutes. Turn on the News and there’s Harper getting shit on by another gravol-laced baby. Where, you may ask, is the Prime Minister? I’m doing private radio in the anonymous nether regions of Atlantic Canada! Meanwhile I’m going up in the polls and Harper is flat-lining. It’s very exciting. I looked at the Ontario polls last night and the results were tremendous. My chart looks like the rising heart rate of a hysteric and Harper’s looks like Duffy’s last EKG.

It’s a plan that works and we are sticking with it. Right now we just have to figure out how to hide me effectively. Yesterday I heard Tim Murphy say “If it was up to me I’d schedule the Prime Minister to spend the entire 50 days of the campaign in a gimp box!” I think that’s the hip young term for the war room.

Actually I might just sit back and watch Belinda kick Harper’s ass in Ontario old school. The woman is on fire! She was at the Canadian Club yesterday and she defended joining my government by saying “It’s not where you sit it’s where you stand!”

Not a bad line! Personally I think she should have said what I told her to say:

“Well the thing is, well, umm standing and sitting are of course, entirely different… and umm therefore when I went into public life I was er...committing to a course of action that involved sitting down for what is right unless of course standing was required which is a position that I have always held.”

Belinda also spoke quite eloquently on why more women do not get involved in politics. She mentioned that women in politics always get asked about what kind of shoes they are wearing. Just once I would love to get that question. I’d like nothing more than to plug my pal at Aaron’s Orthopedic.

Speaking of billionaires, I have to hand it to Harper on his new childcare plan. He has certainly taken some wind out of our sails. It’s ironic that Canadian Business week released the names of the 100 richest Canadians the day after Harper released his child daycare plan. Every person on that list with a child under 3 will get a check for $1200 from a Harper government. I’ll know we are in trouble when Ken Thompson and Galen Weston run out and adopt Romanian babies.

We’re just going to have to suck this one back I think. Offering 1200 bucks to rich people won’t create daycare spaces but it could translate into votes. Today I was told that Celine Dion slapped a Tory sign on side of Caesar’s Palace when she heard that Harper is going to send her a $1200 government check to offset the cost of her childcare.

Well I should run. Someone on the plane is passing out more cookies with my head on them. I don’t mind when my own staff gleefully chews my neck off in front of the press. They are laughing with me not at me. Right?

Yours in defending Canada,

Paul Martin