Rick Mercer's Blog

And The Photochallenge is Back!

2007-01-30T13:47:00.000-06:00

The new look rickmercer.com website is not only the new permanent home of my blog but now has a fully functional archive of photo challenges. I am convinced that this completely disrespectful feature will lead to much merriment in your home or office. Just click the photo challenge link in the header then click archive to see the results of this week's challenge.

Poor Stephane, first the Tories run attack ads and now this...

Harper in Harper's

2007-01-18T15:37:00.000-06:00

Canadians are always impressed when one of our own gets attention south of the border. After all, who among us doesn’t swell up with pride when we see a Canadian individual or a Canadian institution shine on the world stage?

And so I was very chuffed indeed when I noticed that Prime Minister Stephen Harper's idea of rebranding the Canadian government as “Canada’s New Government” is getting some attention in the United States. Harper's Magazine recently published an interesting correspondence illustrating just how serious “Canada’s New Government” is about this endeavour. I include it below for your perusal:

Our Home and Native Brand

From a September email exchange between representatives of Natural Resources Canada and Andrew Okulitch, a scientist working at the Geological Survey of Canada in an emeritus capacity. Irwin Itzkovitch is an assistant deputy minister under Minister of Natural Resources Gary Lunn. Vanessa Nelson is an executive adviser. Okulitch was fired but reappointed two weeks later. The Conservative Party won control of Canada's government in January, after twelve years of Liberal rule. Originally from Harper's Magazine, December 2006.

FROM: VANESSA NELSON
As per the Minister's Office, effective immediately, the words “Canada's New Government” are to be used instead of “the Government of Canada” in all departmental correspondence. Please note that the initial letters of all three words are capitalized. Thank you for your cooperation.

FROM: ANDREW OKULITCH
Why do newly elected officials think everything begins with them taking office? They are merely stewards for as long as the public allows. They are the Government of Canada. Nothing more. I shall use “Geological Survey of Canada” on my departmental correspondence to avoid any connection with “New Government.” The GSC, steward to Canada's earth resources for 164 years, is an institution worthy of my loyalty, as opposed to idiotic buzzwords coined by political hacks.

FROM: IRWIN ITZKOVITCH
Given your strong though misdirected views of the role and authority of the Government as elected by the people, and your duty to reflect their decisions, I accept that you are immediately removing yourself from the Emeritus Program. I wish you every success in your future.

FROM: ANDREW OKULITCH
Although your knee-jerk response seems typical of Ottawa “mentality” these days, to give you the benefit of the doubt, it may have been mandated by our nervous minister. Of course, it is not a particularly rational decision, and perhaps you might reflect upon it. We of the GSC are used to taking the long view. Ministers come and go, but my talents will always remain available to the people of Canada.

FROM: IRWIN ITZKOVITCH
This is not a knee-jerk reaction nor was it dictated by anyone. My decision stands and I await confirmation that it has been executed by the responsible GSC management.

FROM: ANDREW OKULITCH
I have just received the clarification of the usage policy for the term New Government, stating that the new wording is required only in documents prepared for or on behalf of Minister Lunn. This limited usage is consistent and appropriate. We would appear to have been victims of an unfortunate misunderstanding. My intransigence about the term was in protest about its misapplication, not a call for civil disobedience. I do understand the need to obey ministerial directives once I am given them clearly. If I can help calm the waters by issuing my own clarification and apology, I would be glad to do so.

FROM: IRWIN ITZKOVITCH
Your reaction was and continues to be unacceptable for anyone associated with Public Service. My decision stands. As of yesterday you are no longer an emeritus scientist.

FROM: ANDREW OKULITCH
I concede that my memo was intemperate and deserving of a reprimand. It was, however, prompted by misinformation sent out by your staff. I don't expect that anything I might say now will change your mind, so I'll conclude with a few facts you will now have to live with. I'll come out of this a champion of common sense (except when it comes to sending memos), someone who tried to defuse a situation with humor and made an effort to restore calm. You'll come out as an intemperate, irrational manager who lacks the strength of character to reverse a hasty decision. Do you really want to be remembered as the only assistant deputy minister who sacked an emeritus scientist over such trivia? It is never too late to repair an unfortunate situation if everyone approaches it with an open mind and good intentions.

Christmas in Flak Jackets

2006-12-28T12:24:00.000-06:00

A few months ago General Rick Hillier promised me a Christmas I would never forget; turns out he is a man of his word.

This year, on Christmas morning, I was in Sperwan Ghar in the Panjwai district of Afghanistan sitting around a single-burner Coleman stove with a dozen Canadian soldiers. Rush was on the stereo and we were watching a pot of Tetley tea bags threaten to boil. Outside it was wet and muddy, but inside the sandbag bunker where these Royal Canadian Dragoons ate and slept it was warm and as comfortable as one could expect under the circumstances. Corporal Frank Farrell was in charge of the pot and there was no top on it this morning - this was not to be rushed.

Gen. Hillier is a very persuasive man. He is also a Newfoundlander. And while he is the chief of the Canadian Forces it has been suggested that he might think he is the chief of all Newfoundlanders. He'll call you up and suggest to you that on Dec. 25 there is only one place you should be and it's so special that by agreeing to go there you render your life insurance null and void. You aren't asked so much as you are voluntold.

This was my third trip to Afghanistan but my first at Christmas. Gen. Hillier was on a personal mission to shake hands with every man and woman wearing a Canadian uniform in Afghanistan and the Persian Gulf and I was along for the ride. The way he described it was simple: "It's Christmas" he said, "and all we are going to do is pop in and say hello to a few folks." In Canada "popping in to say hello" at Christmas is just a matter of arranging for a designated driver or making sure you have cab fare in your pocket. This was a little more complicated. It started with a nine-hour flight overseas, stopping in Croatia for gas, and then onward to a military base that dare not speak its name or reveal its location. Once there we immediately boarded a Sea King
helicopter for a night flight across the water so we could land on the deck of the HMS Ottawa.

On this leg of the trip there were three other Newfoundlanders - broadcaster Max Keeping, singer songwriter Damhnait Doyle and my old colleague Mary Walsh - and three members of the Conservative caucus - whip Jay Hill, MP Laurie Hawn and the President of the Treasury Board John Baird. I was happy they were issued flak jackets and helmets because I had a sneaking suspicion that the combination of Walsh and the three Tories might make some recent skirmishes with the Taliban insurgency seem tame in comparison. If it came down to a three on one donnybrook my money was on the Princess Warrior.

And so, on the night before Christmas Eve, our little gang of Newfoundlanders along with 50 or so sailors closed the mess on the HMS Ottawa. We laughed until we were stupid. It felt like Christmas.

After sunrise Gen. Hillier addressed the troops on the deck of the ship. This was the first of countless speeches he would give over the next four days. He is funny as hell and inspiring as anyone I have ever seen speak. He makes soldiers laugh and then he makes them cry. He thanks them all in a way that makes everyone grow inches. From a show business perspective he is a tough act to follow, but follow we did. When it came Damhnait's turn to say a few words she sang a song, and if there is a better way to kick off an adventure than watching Damhnait Doyle and 250 sailors sing O Canada on the deck of a Canadian battle ship as it sails the Gulf I can't think of it.

After Ottawa it was straight back to the base for a three-hour nap before a 3 a.m. wake-up call for the flight to Kandahar. Once in Kandahar we had the standard briefing that is mandatory for visiting
entertainers and or the head-injured. When the siren goes do what you're told, when everything seems fine do what you're told and, when in doubt, do what you're told.

From there we went "over the wire." It was Christmas Eve and Gen. Hillier wanted to make it to all the forward operating bases. These bases are all former Taliban strongholds. For the most part they are high points of land that were hard-fought for. Some of the bases are nothing but points of land with soldiers living in tents, trenches and bunkers. This is the front line of a war.

Charlie Company at Patrol Base Wilson was the first group we spoke to. These are the men and women who are working under maximum threat levels in Afghanistan. They are out there on patrol every day, for days at a time, engaging the enemy. They have all lost friends here. They have a bit of the ten-thousand mile stare - which is to be expected - so from the point of view of a guy who stands around and tells jokes for a living this is what you would call a tough crowd. Gen. Hillier was right though, he told me that just showing up was enough and everything else was gravy.

That afternoon we made our way by convoy to Strong Point West, home to Bravo Company. This was still Christmas Eve and we arrived in time to help serve their Christmas meal. Gen. Hillier worked the turkey, senior officers worked the potatoes and vegetables and I pulled up the rear as chief gravy server. I must admit I felt pretty darn important serving the gravy. These guys get a cooked meal about every three to four days. For the most part they eat rations out of a bag where they find themselves. Plus they get shot at. Anything hot with gravy is a very, very big deal. As the man with the gravy ladle I was probably - for the duration of the serving line - the most popular man on Earth.

And so this year for Christmas dinner I sat on the ground in the dust and ate turkey loaf and gravy on a paper plate. Everyone except me had a gun. There was lots of talk of home and like anyone's Christmas dinner there were lots of pictures. At one point the designated photographers had 10 digital cameras in their hands at a time trying to get the group shots.

Everywhere you go in Afghanistan where there are Canadian soldiers you see Christmas cards and letters supporting the troops. Some of the tents and accommodations are decorated with so many home-made cards from school kids that you would swear you had wandered into an elementary school lunchroom and not a mess hall. It's amazing to see groups of battle-weary soldiers wrapped in ammunition and guns stopping to read these things with the attention that is usually reserved solely for the parent. I was in a tent with two guys in their early 20s who were poring over a stack of letters and class photos and separating them into piles. I was a little taken aback that these young guys, in the middle of a war zone, would be so moved by support from Grade 4 classes until I realized the deciding factor for the favourites pile was which teacher was hotter.

On Christmas morning, the convoy headed to Sperwan Ghar. The troops here sleep in dugouts with sandbag perimeters. After the speeches and hellos a corporal asked me back to his quarters for a cup of tea. He was, like so many guys here, a Newfoundlander. And so that's where I spent Christmas morning, watching corporal Frank Farrell stir the teapot while a dozen or so guys hung out and exchanged cards and had a few laughs. The crowd in the bunker wasn't there just for the tea. They had been waiting a long time for Corporal Farrell to open the Eversweet margarine tub that he received a few weeks ago in the mail. In the tub was his mom's Christmas cake. When the tea was perfect and our paper cups were filled, the tape was pulled from the tub and we all agreed: Bernadette Farrell makes the best Christmas cake in Canada.

The trip carried on. We visited more forward operating bases. Gen. Hillier made good on his goal of shaking hands with practically every soldier in harm's way this Christmas. And by late afternoon we took the convoy back through "ambush ally" to the main base in Kandahar for the prime show of the tour for about 800 soldiers in the newly opened Canada House.

Max Keeping was our Master of Ceremonies, Gen. Hillier gave a speech of a lifetime, Mary Walsh made me laugh like the old days, Damhnait Doyle sang like an angel and the Montreal rock band Jonas played late into the night. I was supposed to take the mic for 15 minutes, but I stayed for 25. A tad selfish, but honestly I can't imagine I will have so much fun performing ever again.

Everywhere we went on this trip men and women in uniform thanked our little gang for giving up our Christmas to be with them in Afghanistan. I know that I speak for everyone when I say we gave very little and we received far too much. We met great friends, we had lots of laughs and dare I say had the best Christmas ever.

Same Sex Thursday!

2006-12-06T11:47:00.000-06:00

So the debate over same sex marriage is back.

Personally I see this as a positive development. I have no idea where Canadians got the idea that once a minority's rights are defined they are somehow set in stone. It's time Canadians woke up and realized those days are long gone. This is an era of reflection.

Sure the Charter looks nice hanging on a wall but the fact is it grants far too many rights that are contrary to the deeply held personal views of many chubby white guys.

I have heard rumours that in the future the Conservatives plan on devoting every Thursday in the House of Commons to more votes on minority rights.

So far they have planned motions debating whether the Chinese should be allowed to drive, whether women should be allowed to vote and whether turbans should be allowed in elevators that travel more than 16 floors.

In order to ensure that these debates target all minorities equally they have come up with an ingenious way for creating motions.

This year, in lieu of a secret Santa exchange, every Tory has to write the name of a minority that bugs them on a slip of paper. On the back of the slip they print a so called “right we all enjoy”. The slips will be mixed up and placed in a gorgeous festive ballot box that John Baird gift wrapped for the occasion. At this year’s party, each member will be blindfolded and they will draw a slip of paper out of the box! That slip of paper is their present to them and to Canada. Imagine the hilarity that will ensue when Justice Minister Vic Toewes stands up and says “This year my Christmas gift is a motion to debate whether Hindus can own property in New Brunswick.”

I can hear the laughter from here.

Final Results

2006-12-02T18:52:00.000-06:00

Before the fourth ballot results were announced my friend Mike and I spent 20 minutes working our way right to the middle of the room so we could be surrounded by a mix of Dion and Ignatieff supporters.

That was about as tightly packed as I have ever been or ever wish to be. Looking around and seeing the desperate look on everyone’s faces reminded me of the Ayatollah’s funeral. I was happy to observe all weekend, but at this moment I really felt like an interloper. This was their party and they had invested everything in it. For these people the stakes don’t get any higher.

When the results were finally announced and it was immediately clear that Dion had stolen the race from Ignatieff people all around us basically melted. To the right of me a guy with a Dion bandanna around his neck burst into tears and started cheering like peace on earth had been declared. On the other side of me there were tears as well but the other kind.

I have to hand it to the party, Canadians love to root for an underdog and Liberals showed their true Canadian colours at this convention. Stephane Dion was the underdog from the moment that he launched his campaign – the fact that he pulled off a fourth ballot victory against the establishment frontrunner is nothing short of miraculous.

When it was all over Michael Ignatieff acted more gracious in defeat than we have ever seen. It’s pretty ironic that this experience, which has to rank up there as a personal worst for him, may in fact have been his finest moment in public life.

Dion’s victory speech was very good but all it really did was confirm everyone’s preconceived notions of the guy. Liberals see a saviour who will bring them back to power and the Tories are rubbing their hands in glee over the prospect of heading into battle against a French guy who has a dog named Kyoto.

Dion is an enigma to most Canadians and that’s not such a bad thing. He takes over the Liberal party as a relative unknown and as a result people have pretty low expectations of the guy. This is a good position for a politician to be in, he really has nowhere to go but up.

At the end of the day though, watching Dion on stage, I couldn’t help but be amazed at his physical presence. The Liberals went into this convention with a host of choices. They could have gone with a battle-tested politician, a former athlete, a world famous academic or a food bank founder from the West; at the end of the day they choose the nerd.

That’s pretty Canadian.

2006-12-02T15:41:00.000-06:00

I think Turner had the chili for lunch.

Second Ballot

2006-12-02T12:33:00.000-06:00

The second ballot results have sent the Iggy people into apoplectic shock.

Looking at the candidate on TV he looks visibly shaken. I think he should compose himself and take this moment to reflect and enjoy the experience. After all, after this vote it will be a long time before he sees his name on a ballot again (barring of course the annual sexiest professor poll at Harvard – his name goes on that ballot the minute he signs his new contract). It’s times like this that a candidate should show grace under pressure and I think it was beneath Iggy to accuse Gerard Kennedy of committing a war crime by throwing his support to Dion.

The Ignatieff delegates I’ve been talking to have that tragic air of someone in palliative care eating apple sauce and making big plans to run a marathon.

It’s understandable that the Ignatieff people are having a hard time dealing with this; they felt that Iggy actually winning this thing was just a technicality. Now they are willing to grasp at any straw available. Soon after the second ballot results came in an Ignatieff delegate grabbed me and waved his blackberry in my face and shouted “Dryden is about to announce he’s supporting Iggy.” The words were not out of his mouth before another delegate started waving his blackberry around shouting “Dryden went to Rae.”

In this room if you wave your blackberry around as you speak it carries the same weight as waving a bible around at an evangelical conference. It’s in the good blackberry it must be true!

The only guy having a good day at this point is the soon-to-be leader of the opposition Stephane Dion.

On the floor

2006-12-02T10:24:00.000-06:00

The scene at the Palais de Congres reminds me of the Superdome during the New Orleans flood.

Richard Diamond, the president of the young Liberals, just blurted that Iggy's papercut is starting to look like a flesh wound.

I just saw Iggy accepting congratulations from some adoring fans and in person it looks like it might have developed into a full blown staph infection.

Antibiotics stat.

The Morning After

2006-12-02T09:29:00.000-06:00

The one advantage of showing up to a party stone cold sober at 1:50 am is that you will probably be the only one who remembers anything. The disadvantage is that by the time I arrived at ground zero the delegates were drunk and confident – a bad combination.

The Delta hotel lobby was a zoo just a few hours ago. Hundreds of young people were circling like parched animals in search of a watering hole. There were no shortage of options – on the way to the elevator I was told that there were free shots in a Dryden room and a huge Dion event happening with a free ice vodka fountain. I kind of felt nostalgic for the days when I would walk over broken glass looking for such a Shangri-la, but alas those days are gone. I ended up having a few Heineken in a room that apparently was rented by Paul Martin. Martin wasn’t there but there was a huge podium in the corner that apparently he practices on when preparing for a big speech.

There are two schools of thought on Ignatieff’s early round results: it’s possible that Ignattief’s people intentionally surpassed a pile of votes on the first ballot, knowing they will come to him on the second. This is an old trick that guarantees that there will be growth on the second ballot and give the illusion of momentum.

My gut is telling me this is not what happened. I talked to one Iggy delegate last night who was vicious because he saw three Iggy ballots destroyed and on the floor in the voting area. He seemed to think there was some sort of conspiracy afoot. I figure that those three ballots either belonged to people who are too stupid to get the slip of paper in the slot or people who just couldn’t bring themselves to do what it was they promised to do months ago.

I just watched Iggy get cornered by CBC’s Julie Van Dusen and she asked what his reaction was to the first round results.

Iggy said that his first round results were lower than expected because he spoke last and as a result some of his delegates didn’t get a chance to vote.

If that’s the best line the Iggy brain trust can come up with that camp is in serious trouble.

Flight Delayed

2006-12-02T09:10:00.000-06:00

Friday Dec 1^st, 10:45 pm

I am not in a hospitality suite, I am not in Montreal, I am sitting on the tarmac in Toronto.

Air Canada delayed my flight three times and I have just boarded my flight almost two hours behind schedule.

Earlier tonight I caught Volpe’s speech. Volpe’s introduction video was put together by the same children who donated money to his campaign. It wasn’t even a video actually, it was just a collection of old pictures of Joe set to Tom Cochrane’s Life is a Highway. It didn’t seem like a campaign video so much than the type of thing a well meaning but talentless child might prepare for their parents 50^th wedding anniversary. Usually these things work because family members get to laugh at the bad hairstyles from the seventies. I think the purpose here was to make people think “Wow Joe has been to the great wall of China, he should be our leader.”

The Iggy and Bob speeches I watched at the airport. Not a bad place to watch really. I was in a similar situation years ago and watched the Canadian women’s hockey team win the gold huddled around an airport television. This time it wasn’t nearly as hard to get a seat with a view of the TV.

One guy who was pretty knackered announced to those watching that Bob Rae looked “familiar”; this got a pretty good laugh. A few minutes later he announced “I think he’s a comedian.” Bob certainly exhibited a stand-up’s confidence by leaving the safety of the podium and walking to the edge of the stage. At the halfway point when Bob made the joke about Harper’s cabinet being vegetables, the guy laughed a little too hard and said “see he’s funny!”

Ignatieff, I noticed, speaks very slowly – the sign of a good educator. He wants to make sure that even the dim kids can follow him. I admit I have a problem with this style. When Iggy starts waving that bloody finger around I feel like I’m back in one of Ms. Patzold’s grade eight classes. His legions of fans seemed to like it though. When he wiggles the finger they tingle inside. I think Iggy actually made a big mistake and either reached into the wrong pocket or ticked off the teleprompter guy because it seemed to me that he was delivering his victory speech. I remember thinking it had something to do with “hope.” Basically he decided to do Bill Clinton’s act but not as well.

As I write this I’m on the tarmac and apparently Air Canada is “looking for a pilot”. It’s going to be a long night, but not the kind I had envisioned.

Heading to Montreal

2006-12-01T14:46:00.000-06:00

"So what if I'm drunk? They screwed me Dryden, and they'll screw you too!"

Tonight I fly to Montreal and figure I will hit the convention at ten pm. I’m worried that everyone will be in bed by then but I will just have to wait and see.

I am shooting the show tonight so while that happens I will be recording the candidates' speeches so I can watch them on my laptop during the flight to Montreal. Would the giant tool in aisle 12 please stow his computer and put his tray in the upright position.

Why am I attending? My plan is to find out first hand whether or not the Liberal party is a vital political force in the midst of an historic renewal or are they simply a herd of dinosaurs in their final death throes. I also hope to find out if the beer will be cold.

All will be revealed at rickmercer.com, or at least the beer question will be answered.

So far I have tried to watch as much of the convention as I could but work keeps getting in the way.

I was lucky enough to catch the opening ceremonies and they certainly set the tone. I am not much of a fan of this “nation inside a nation" notion but when the Quebecois are in charge of booking the talent it’s hard to argue with it. I would suggest that whoever thought it was a good idea to feature the dancing dude in the super tight pants and giant mullet so prominently is not just from another nation but another planet.

I missed the tribute to Paul Martin because of work last night but I did get home in time to catch his speech. Too bad he didn’t make a few more like that during the campaign; he might have avoided this whole messy retirement ordeal. It was refreshing though to see Martin speak without him promising all Canadians free tuition or a billion dollars. It was a good speech though; I’ll give the man that. The baby was a nice touch; I might try that next time I have to address a crowd.

Until Montreal mes amis.

Pawn to King Four

2006-11-27T17:04:00.000-06:00

Well you got to hand it to Stephen Harper the man is on a roll.

The Tories love to say he’s great at his job because he is, above all, a chess player.

In one smooth move he stood up in the House of Commons and with a few words he embarrassed the block and protected his seats in Quebec.

And all he had to do to accomplish these lofty goals was table a simple motion saying that the government of Canada now recognizes that the Quebecois form a nation inside of a nation.

So all you kids in grade three who just learned that Canada is ten provinces and three territories, forget that, that’s all changed now.

We are now nine provinces three territories and a nation inside a nation. But when you write that down kids you might want to use a pencil because there’s going to be a lot of new nations you’re going to have to learn about.

Take the Cree for example. In Quebec. If the Quebecois are a nation clearly the Cree are a nation. Well actually they will be a nation inside a nation inside a nation.

It’s a little mind boggling. Imagine if you were a Cree person, who’s gay, you like the Blue Jays and you live in Quebec. You would be a member of the Cree nation who hangs out in the queer nation, cheers for the Blue Jays nation, lives in the Quebec nation which happens to be in the Canadian nation.

Yes Harper is quite the strategist, but clearly he didn’t grow up in a huge family. Because Canada, as screwed up and dysfunctional as we are, is still a family. And anyone who grew up in a large family knows that sure, some kids might get away with more than others, some kids might even get special treatment, but there’s not a hope in hell that mom is ever going to stand up and recognize one child as the favorite.

No special status.

And why? Because moms know that if they ever put that down in writing, say in a birthday card, that’s exactly the type of thing that could eventually bite everyone on the ass and lead to the destruction of the whole bloody works.

So while it’s too early to say what if anything Harper’s move means, he certainly does play a mean game of chess.

I just hope he realizes Canada is not a board game; it’s a nation.

And we only have one to lose.

Kenney Time

2006-11-24T10:51:00.000-06:00

The Original

Nine Months by Tyler H.

Logride by Greg H.

Let's Do It Again by Gerry Fournier

Who's Your Daddy by Allan

Kenney Kong by Peter G

by Peter G

by Andrew O'Driscoll

Kenney by James McPhail

Untitled by Brian

Stones Sighting in Regina After Concert by We Tollefson

Faster Faster by Maurice Motut

Send the Self-Imposed House Arrest Pioneer to the House

2006-11-20T16:47:00.000-06:00

I have never used my blog to endorse a political candidate but I think now the time has come.

Like most Canadians I am watching the campaign leading up to the by-election in London Ontario with bated breath.

It’s a barnburner of a race and there’s no doubt that all of the parties have fielded strong candidates. It’s my belief, however, that one candidate stands head and shoulders above the rest and if I could vote in this one I would have to mark an X for Dianne Haskett.

I also believe it is a testament to the Conservative Party that they can attract a candidate of Ms Haskett’s stature.

My Goodness they had to look all the way to Washington D.C. to find her.

The fact that Ms. Haskett has been in America working for the Republican Party for the past six years may seem like a deficit at first glance, but I say every cloud has a silver lining. It will be easy to spot the Tory candidate in the Santa clause parade this Saturday, just look for the car with the American license plates and Bush-Cheney sticker.

Predictably some local Tories are upset that Ottawa hand-picked the candidate they wanted over the wishes of the local riding association but lets face it, that’s just sour grapes. Having a puppet of the Prime Minister’s Office is an honour for the people of London.

In fact the Prime Minister’s Office has so much confidence in Ms. Haskett’s ability they actually own her. Well they don’t own her of course but they do own her name. As you can imagine in politics these days the single most important tool any politician has is their Internet identify. In Dianne’s case, she doesn’t control her online identity, the Conservative Party of Canada does. In fact the party bought her domain name days before she was given the nomination. The party also owns office furniture, photocopiers and a portable sound system.

From the Prime Minister’s perspective owning a candidate’s name is simply an effective and proven way of controlling people.

In the sixties, radio stations in the United States used to make a practice of owning the on air names of “Negro DJ’s”. This way if they ever stepped out of line the station could fire the DJ and they wouldn’t be able to find other work using their name. Of course this name owning practice has long been abandoned because apparently it’s despicable but it’s nice to see the practice resurrected in the Prime Minister’s Office.

My guess is some keen whippersnapper in the head office was reading up on the civil rights movement in the United States and got some good ideas while they were at it.

London is crawling with these Ottawa-based political operatives these days. PMO staffers and Minister’s aides have been bussed into the riding on a regular basis; each armed with a Mapquest printout and a list highlighting the names of local malls. They go door-to-door for Dianne making sure to drop local references into the conversation so they can dupe the person on the step into believing they grew up six streets over. Look out London – this is the big time.

This on-the-ground support from team Calgary is an encouraging sign from head office. They know that with Dianne Haskett they have a winner on their hands.

In politics being ahead of the curve is the sign of true greatness. Some candidates can talk a good game but Dianne has a solid record.

For example she was against gay rights long before that became trendy. When the rest of the country was blasé about the homosexual threat Dianne was alerting all who would listen that the homos were on the march. When she did a stint as Mayor of London in the nineties she consistently went out of her way to stop the gays. At the time she made it clear that “appearing to endorse homosexuality is turning my back on God and the day I turn my back on God I lose my authority as Mayor.” Give this woman a seat in the House of Commons!

Did she get the credit she deserved way back when? No. Instead the city she ran was fined $10,000 by the Ontario Human Rights Commission for violating the rights of gay taxpayers. In response Dianne locked herself in her own house for three weeks in an act of self-imposed house arrest. Frankly Dianne could give lessons on how to be a drama queen.

Of course history now shows us that it is Dianne who got the last laugh. Here it is 2006 and Canada is on the brink of destruction because some car salesman named Larry intends to marry a pipe fitter named frank in Flin Flon.

Of course that could change the minute the Tories get a majority which is why so many senior Ministers are thrilled that Dianne is on the ballot. The man with the purse, the President of the Treasury Board John Baird, traveled to London to endorse Haskett and went as far as to call her the “accountability candidate.”

This is a coup for the Haskett campaign. John Baird’s credentials as a conservative are unblemished except for his unfortunate mistake of saying that he would vote in favor of same sex marriage if it ever came up. By going out of his way to get Haskett elected Baird is effectively negating his own vote on the issue. I hope John Baird receives some sort of award from the Conservative Party for this selfless act. Perhaps they could arrange a nice sit down dinner where they give Baird a break from his usual duties and hire a dancing monkey instead.

Of course I don’t mean to imply that Dianne is a single issue candidate. She not only has great insight on what adults should be allowed to do in the privacy of their bedrooms she also has views on who one should worship and who one should fear.
In 1996 she took part in a public prayer breakfast where people were encouraged to bow their heads and pray that Canada be protected "from the darkness and deception of the spirit of Islam."

This is a very impressive record. Let’s remember that encouraging Canadians to be afraid of other religions wasn’t even on the radar in 1996. In fact Canadians have never been big on the idea of domestic holy wars but yet there was Dianne, back in the day, trying to stir it up old school.

Some people are uniters and some people are dividers; Dianne is a uniter. In fact “uniting majorities against minorities since 1996” was under consideration as a potential campaign slogan.

I can only pray that if Stephen Harper ever needs a parliamentary secretary in charge of breeding religious intolerance Dianne will be there in the house ready to heed the call.

And finally, above all else, I think Dianne should be commended for her commitment to silence. She has basically remained hidden during the campaign, refusing all national media requests and most local media requests. By refusing to speak on most issues she has shown the people of London that they have in Dianne Haskett a candidate that is willing to sit down, shut up and do what she is told.

If the residents of London feel that best describes them, electing her will certainly prove it.

Spread the Net

2006-11-14T08:58:00.000-06:00

Sharing malaria medication with Belinda Stronach at the Hotel Rwanda is not the strangest experience of my life, but it’s up there.

This was two summers ago and it was near the end of a trip to Africa where we followed Dr. Jeffrey Sachs, Director of the Earth Institute at Columbia University, as he visited Millennium Village sites, gave speeches, met with aid workers, and lobbied governments. I won’t bother raving about Sachs. Suffice to say the guy is brilliant. Sachs is considered one of the leading economists in the world and he is the only academic to have been repeatedly ranked among the world's most influential people by Time magazine. Basically I have nothing in common with the man.

The entire trip to Africa with Belinda and Sachs was truly surreal. I don’t think an hour went by where I didn’t ask myself how in the hell I got there. Before Africa I didn’t know Belinda at all really. I interviewed her when she was a Tory and between takes it came up that she was a friend of Dr. Sachs. She talked about how brilliant he was and of course I agreed. What she didn’t know was the entire time she talked about Dr. Jeffery Sachs I thought she was talking about Dr. Oliver Sacks the guy who specialized in bizarre brain disorders and was portrayed by Robin Williams in the movie Awakenings. The more Belinda talked about how much she thought of Sachs and how he helped her out as a policy advisor during her leadership campaign, the stranger I thought Belinda was. I remember thinking “Why in god’s name would she want a world renowned expert on Tourette ’s syndrome to advise her on a leadership run for the Tories?” I knew many Tory MPs at the time were afflicted with the condition but I still found it extreme.

After the interview ended Belinda told me she hoped to go to Africa with Sachs someday and she added “if it ever comes together I’ll give you a call.”

It’s not really the kind of call you actually expect to get – politicians say all sorts of things during small talk – and honestly for the life of me I still didn’t understand why anyone would dream of visiting Africa with an expert on brain disorders.

Later when I realized the mistake I made and what an idiot I was I attempted to remedy the situation by purchasing The End of Poverty by Dr. Jeffery Sachs. It’s a very good read and despite offering no help to victims of Tourette’s, I’d recommend it to anyone.

It was over a year later that Belinda called me up out of the blue – she was heading to Africa and would I like to come? I said yes.

I really had no idea what to expect on such a trip and when I told friends I was going to Africa with Belinda Stronach they immediately dubbed the trip “Belinda’s Pink Champagne Safari”. I tend to hang with a cynical bunch.

The trip was put together in record time. I was at the airport before I really found out where we were going. When I saw the list of countries we were visiting it might as well have been titled “places Rick has never wanted to go.” Rwanda was on the list. As home of one of the worst genocides in recent history it was not a destination hot spot in my mind. Ethiopia? Not once in my life did I utter the phrase “I’d like to visit Ethiopia someday.” The port of Djibouti was on the list and not being sure where it actually was I googled it and the first entry I came across described the port as “living hell on earth.” This was not a Pink Champagne Safari.

I had no idea what to expect and it was just as well because nothing would have prepared me. A constant theme of anyone who writes about Africa is the extremes you experience and I was no different.

In Uganda for example we spent a day in a village where 5,000 people are living in extreme poverty. And really even calling it a village doesn’t do it justice. The word village has a western connotation that doesn’t apply here. Spending a day touring a “village” makes most of us think of a day wasted looking at antique shops and having to suffer the indignity of staying in a bed and breakfast run by batty English people.

This wasn’t the case here. This “village” had practically no shelter, no water supply, no fuel, near impassible roads, no communications infrastructure, no market and very little in the way of food.

And if one forgot for a second the inequity of the situation it was driven home by the evening’s agenda: visiting the palatial home of the president of Uganda and watching Sachs and the President hammer out a seven point aid agreement.

I’d be lying of I said it wasn’t a little hard on the head to spend the day with kids who have never had a real meal in their lives and then spend the evening with some dude who wears a gold hat and has a piano that plays itself.

I swore before I went to Africa that when I came back I wouldn’t be transformed into a hemp wearing dullard armed with a thousand statistics aimed at depressing everyone around me and ruining whatever occasion I happened to be attending.

I did know that it would have some affect on me and of course it did.

For my entire life I’ve been pretty good at spotting a problem but not so clever at coming up with the right answers. And if the truth be told, quite often when faced with an overwhelming problem, I’m content to believe that the situation is beyond help and then it’s off to the pub.

This is why getting to know a guy like Dr Jeffery Sachs is so dangerous. He’s an answer guy, and when you learn the answers and in some case you see how simple they are, it’s hard not to get on board.

Which brings me to the “spread the net” campaign.

In Africa over a million kids die of malaria every year. That’s pretty overwhelming. It was Sachs however that told us that it really doesn’t need to be that way. The answer is simple, tangible, old fashioned and cost effective. One of the best tools to fight Malaria is a mosquito bed net. The net goes over the bed and usually two or three kids will sleep under the thing. The net is treated with insecticide and will continue to do its job for over five years. If you buy a kid a net, there’s a pretty good chance you can save one or two lives. And the cost? Ten bucks.

That’s what Spreadthenet.org is all about. If you go to spreadthenet.org you can give ten bucks and a mosquito bed net will be purchased and distributed for free in the first two targeted countries – Liberia and Rwanda.

And really can anyone think of a better way for Canadians to lend a hand – Malaria is spread by mosquitoes. If there is a war that Canadians can get behind it’s the war on mosquitoes. We spend enough of our time coming up with ways to kill them at home, let’s spread the love in Africa.

So at the risk of coming across like the dullard armed with statistics, this past week I went to Montreal with Belinda Stronach and together we launched the Spread the Net campaign. Dr. Sachs was there with us and at the press conference he spoke about Malaria and Bed Nets in a way that I never could.

It was a big success. The web site ( www.spreadthenet.org ) is simple and straight forward. Everyone seems to like the idea and its simplicity. One net, ten bucks, save a life. Belinda worked the phones like a maniac and we were in a position to announce that $300 000 had already been raised. That’s a lot of nets!

We all know that Canadians have a huge capacity for helping out others less fortunate and already lots of people are coming forward with ideas on how individuals, groups, businesses, churches and universities can help spread the net.

The campaign launch was a great result of an unexpected trip. But I have to admit, my favorite moment was as surreal as the trip itself. There was Dr. Sachs, one of the world’s leading economists, a man who spends every waking hour trying to understand the big problems of the world – and then providing the answers.

He spoke passionately and eloquently about how we can make a difference in Africa. And when it was over and he had finished speaking, there was a pause, and the first question asked was about Ralph Klein and cracks he made about Belinda’s sex life.

The look on his face was one of total bewilderment.

Any comment Dr. Sachs?

For once he didn’t have an answer.

Promise Made Promise Kept

2006-11-06T17:07:00.000-06:00

Like most people, I find it unnerving when suddenly everyone in the room is talking about a subject I can’t even begin to understand. When it happens to me, and it happens a lot, it usually involves math, a subject that ceased to make any sense to me about halfway through grade eight.

So this past week when suddenly out of the blue the Harper government put a bullet into Canada’s income trusts and all the seniors went crazy, I was kind of lost.

It was pretty exciting stuff, though. Angry seniors on the front page threatening to take down the Tories, angry oil patch executives on the business page threatening to take down the Tories. I can only imagine how the seniors who moonlight on weekends as oil executives are feeling.

And as I perused the papers trying to figure out what the hell an income trust was, I realized that everything I knew about income trusts I learned in the last election, and I learned from Stephen Harper. It was from Stephen Harper that I learned that it’s seniors more than any group in Canada that invest in income trusts.

And I heard Stephen Harper tell us over and over again that when he became Prime Minister income trusts would be safe. It was a promise he made directly to Canada’s senior citizens.

Politicians love to make promises directly to seniors because they know seniors deserve a society’s respect, plus seniors have nothing to do all day so they actually vote. Election day and a slice of lemon meringue is a big day out for the blue rinse set.

So when Harper made this promise, I believed him. And so did a lot of seniors, apparently, because they kept investing in the bloody things. And why not? Harper’s entire shtick is that you can believe what he says. The entire raison d’être of the Harper government is: you may not like what we do, but we do what we say. Those Tories give you a promise, you can take it to the bank.

In fact if you go to a Harper rally, you can’t hear yourself think for all the Tories chanting “promise made, promise kept” over and over again like a herd of demented Moonies. Some of them get so excited they smack themselves in the forehead over and over again while they chant it. During the last election Jason Kenney was forced to apply liberal amounts of pancake makeup above his eyebrows to hide the bruising.

Well thank God that’s over. Because the next time Stephen Harper or any of his minions chant “promise made, promise kept,” you might want to step back, because if there is a God, the forecast calls for lightning.

That’s the chance you take when you mess with senior citizens and their hard-earned savings.

And yes, I know Harper has all sorts of excuses why he had to break his promise to seniors, but you know what? I don’t really care — because years ago I came to the conclusion that there were only two real reasons why politicians break their promises: You already voted for them and you already voted for them.

And it turns out some things never change.

Should He Stay or Should He Go?

2006-10-30T14:46:00.000-06:00

After the last election Stephen Harper took a lot of grief for putting a guy who had never been elected directly into his Cabinet.

I was as surprised as anyone, really. It seemed odd that Harper, a man who had railed about the evils of the unelected Senate for his entire career, would appoint his buddy to the Senate and then directly to Cabinet within hours of becoming Prime Minister.

As far as optics goes, it doesn’t get much worse.

This is exactly the type of thing that bugs most Canadians about politics. I’m pretty sure they would prefer that Cabinet ministers actually get elected by the people before they buckle down and start running our lives.

To be fair, I do believe that in extraordinary circumstances a Prime Minister should be able to pass over his own MPs and put non-elected people into Cabinet. If Canada was at war and nobody in the House knew anything about the military, it would make sense that the PM be allowed to call up an expert on the Canadian Forces and have them join the Cabinet.

Or imagine being Stephen Harper and you wake up the morning after winning a general election only to realize that the vast majority of your MPs just aren’t smart enough to be in Cabinet.

It makes sense that you should be allowed to call up your buddy in Quebec and give him a Cabinet position. This is, of course, an old boys’ club, and so this is exactly what the Prime Minister did. Instead of giving the job to an elected Member of Parliament like Diane Ablonczy he called up Michael Fortier, private citizen, and gave him the big gig.

I don’t mean to minimize Fortier’s abilities. The man is head and shoulders over most of us. He is a highly accomplished lawyer banker type of creature and back in the day was co-chair of Harper’s national leadership campaign. And it’s not fair to suggest he has never run for anything; in 1998 he ran for the leadership of the Conservative party and came in an impressive last with over four percent of the vote. If that doesn’t scream future senator, I don’t know what does.

The ego perks of the gig are enormous. Fortier has never had to suffer the indignity of standing on a doorstep and asking a person for their vote, and yet everyone in Canada is supposed to refer to him as “the Honourable Michael Fortier” for the rest of his natural life. And when, God forbid, he finally passes away, the flag over the Peace Tower will be lowered to half mast to honour his contribution to democracy.

By the way, I’m not suggesting that giving his pal the gig was an easy move for Harper. It can’t be easy having to look your MPs in the eye and basically tell them they’re imbeciles. Even for Harper that’s got to hurt a little bit.

And pity the poor caucus. Imagine getting elected, your party forms the government, and then your leader basically tells you that you have a better chance of ending up with a disability cheque based on your mental incompetence than you ever do of seeing a minister’s salary. That’s a tough day at the office.

That was the situation we had in Canada.

But all that has changed. The Prime Minister has called a by-election for the Montreal-area riding of Repentigny on Nov. 27. The people are going to the polls, baby! Democracy in action.

One would think that Michael Fortier, being the honorable type, would jump at the chance to stand for election. Nope. Fortier says he has no interest in running for the seat. The man is content to continue being a Cabinet minister without having to go through the rotten business of asking people to vote for him. And for some reason the Prime Minister seems content to have unelected people in his Cabinet.

This might not be Denmark, but something stinks.

Canadians might not think much of politicians, but last I looked we do have a say in which ones run the country. The basic definition of democracy is “one woman one man one vote.” The time has come for Michael Fortier to be man enough to ask Montrealers for theirs.

Luckily the Internet is a wonderful way for Canadians to voice their opinion on such matters — whether it is being asked for or not. So through the miracle of the Web I have set up two petitions directed to the Prime Minister. One, titled “Run Fortier Run,” suggests the time has come for The Honourable Michael Fortier to run for a seat. The second, “Stay Fortier Stay,” supports the Prime Minister in his contention that Fortier should remain an unelected Cabinet minister who sits in the Senate.

Here are the Web sites:

runfortierrun.com

stayfortierstay.com

Ladies and gentlemen – start your laptops.

May the most bitter team win!

Dear Trapped on a Boat

2006-10-23T12:48:00.000-05:00

When I launched this blog I really had no idea that it would become a forum for giving advice. It’s a pleasant diversion from my normal week and it fits with my giving nature.

Dear Peter,

Thank you for your letter. Yes you are correct, the media are exaggerating and referring to a woman as a dog is accepted in many cultures. Unfortunately nobody has heard of these cultures.

While I certainly sympathize with your situation I think it’s important we deal with the underlying issue here – your obsession with the dog as a metaphor. It’s just not working for you. Remember, you are a senior cabinet minister now; when referring to women it’s okay to venture into two syllable territory.

I know that you are feeling very vulnerable and I don’t blame you. It must be terrible knowing that as soon as you return to work everyone is going to make jokes when they see you. What makes it worse is that even the dimmest bulb in the House of Commons can muster up a dog joke. I’m sure by now you have heard them all. “Hey Peter, you’re barking up the wrong tree” (zing), “yo Peter, let sleeping dogs lie” (good one) or “would the honorable member from Central Nova stop licking himself” (a classic).

In an effort to stop this from happening again however I have come up with what I believe is a simple solution. I would suggest that you keep a large safety pin in your pocket and if anyone mentions a dog, if you see a dog, if you even think about mentioning a dog, practice a simple act of behavior modification. Reach into you pocket, open the safety pin and slam the pointy end into the fleshy part of your hand between your forefinger and thumb. Yes this will hurt but it won’t cause any more irreparable damage to your career. Believe me, in the long run you will thank me.

Oh, before I forget – the next time you say something really stupid and you are being chased by a pack of reporters, don’t get on a boat. There is nowhere to hide on a boat except the bathroom. I think it’s important that you write this down somewhere so it doesn’t happen again.

So cheer up Peter, I’m sure the dog jokes will dissipate over the years, and I am convinced that the situation is not all grim.

Your ability to manage this crisis has been impressive. In particular I think your decision to deny you made the dog crack when you can be heard saying it on a tape was a masterstroke. This way you take the focus off the fact that you said something silly in the heat of the moment and put the focus on whether or not you are lying.

Smooth move Kasparov. As you know, saying something dumb and fessing up to it can be fatal for a cabinet minister whereas lying never hurt a career ever.

Keep up the good work!

Dear Belinda,

Yes, by all means, launch a perfume.

Dear Garth,

Funny you ask but yes I think launching a perfume is a great idea.

Dear Iggy,

I checked and for 105,000 Aeroplan points you can fly from Toronto to Israel. You have to stay over on a Monday, I think, so you might have to devote three days to solving the Middle East crisis versus a standard weekend. I think asking Canadians to donate their unwanted points to you is an excellent idea. Lots of good causes solicit points from the public. I know Ronald McDonald House takes points, and as I mentioned in my earlier email concerning your future, McDonald’s accepts resumes.

Keep up the good work.

P.S. – no I don’t think this is a good time to launch a perfume.

And the award goes to...

2006-10-18T22:03:00.000-05:00

Tonight the Gemini award for best Picture Editing in a Comedy, Variety or Performing Arts Program or Series went to Allan MacLean and Miles Davren for their work on the Mercer Report.

Miles is the one on the right. He cuts the parodies we produce. On top of being a great editor he is probably the nicest person who works on our show. It is hard to recognize him without a toque.

The guy on the left is Allan MacLean. I’ve worked with Allan for over a decade; we go way back. Allan edited 22 Minutes when I was there, he edited Made in Canada, he cut every inch of Talking to Americans and he has done every Mercer Report since day one. These days we have a pretty simple relationship. Every week I leave and come back with reams and reams of video tape, Al suffers through it and turns it into something that makes me look far better than I deserve to. Plus we have lots of laughs. He is the best editor in the business and a good friend.

Miles and Allan are an amazing team and everyone on the Mercer Report knows we would be screwed without them.

And seeing as they look so darn happy, and seeing as the picture is here in cyberspace, it’s only appropriate that this picture be considered eligible for a Photoshop challenge.

I know they would insist on it.

Congratulations men, I salute you!

From the Teleprompter of Michael Ignatieff

2006-10-16T09:33:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, honored guests, protester standing silently at the back of the room with a bag on his head, thank you for coming here today.

It has been almost one year now since I made the difficult decision to immigrate to Canada and run for the leadership of the Liberal Party of Canada. Since that time I have taken clear positions on difficult issues and I have taken difficult positions on clear issues. Unfortunately, many people do not seem to understand what I am talking about. If anyone is at fault here it is me; please bear with me Canada, I am used to teaching the advanced class.

I asked you to come here today so that I may clarify my statements concerning an earlier clarification about a statement I may or may not have meant to make.

As you may know earlier this year my summer vacation overseas was interrupted by a small war between Israel and Lebanon. The fact that my vacation was interrupted by this war is not in doubt. I have made myself unequivocally clear about this point.

After returning to Canada, during a frank discussion about the war, I stated that I was not losing sleep over civilian deaths in Lebanon. Some people wrongly interpreted this to mean that I was not losing sleep over civilian deaths in Lebanon. What I should have said at the time was this: I am not losing sleep over civilian deaths in Lebanon because I suffer from hysterical narcolepsy, a rare neurological disorder. Because of this condition it is not just civilian deaths that I sleep through, but sometimes entire movies and even midair turbulence. I hope now by admitting this condition I will not only clear up this unfortunate Middle East situation but also help the other half dozen of my fellow Americans who suffer from this disorder. For too long we have suffered in silence. Please visit www.hystericalnarcolepsy.org and learn more about this condition. Hysterical narcolepsy – the confusion is real.

Let us now deal with the elephant in the room. While campaigning in Quebec I stated that Israel was guilty of war crimes. Please know I made these comments in French and never intended them to be heard by English voters. Clearly everything I have read about the two solitudes is a fallacy. I now believe that the bridge between French and English Canada is the fluently bilingual Toronto Jew. I encourage them to now join me. In fact I would like to take a moment and speak directly to the good men and women of the Holy Blossom temple in Toronto. I say to you my Jewish friends – it’s Iggy time! (Pause for applause)

Please, please sit. There is more! (Wave finger)

In an effort to keep this story in the media during the coming weeks I have now decided to visit Israel for myself. I think you will agree that the crucial last days of a leadership race is the perfect time for a candidate to leave Canada.

The purpose of this trip will be twofold. Not only will I be able to analyze and solve the Israel Lebanon issue, but I have also requested that the Canada-Israel Committee who is sponsoring this trip arrange a stopover in Paris on the way back so I can get a good meal. I have been in Canada for months now and my friends I am getting antsy. (Chuckle kindly)

When I return from my pilgrimage to the holy land I think you will see a refreshed and tanned Michael Ignatieff, one who is ready to tackle the job of running Canada for all of you. And when I say you, I mean the fishers, the farmers and the Mennonites that make this country strong.

Speaking of Canada, recently a little boy in Canada’s countryside asked me a very intriguing question. “Sir,” he said, “why do you want to run all of Canada?”

I will tell you now what I told him then.

Canada is in my osseous tissue! (pause for applause)

Like you I care about Canadian values and Canadian pastimes. I know what it’s like to clear one’s mind and enjoy the thrust and parry that is found in an exciting ice hockey game. In fact I don’t mind admitting that I have always been, since the 1968 Trudeau leadership campaign in which I was a delegate, a supporter of the Toronto Maple Leafs. My support for the Leafs is something that is pure and true and can never be taken away from me. If there is political price to pay for such an admission I readily accept it. Mesdames et Messieurs, j’aime Les Canadiens. Les Leafs de Toronto sont gay! Vive les Sens! Vive les Sens libre!

I want to thank your for your time today ladies and gentlemen. And on a personal note I would like to thank the numerous people who have sent me letters and cards encouraging me during these recent dark, gaffe riddled days of the campaign. But let me tell you this. When I embarked on this adventure I knew it would not be easy. And when the going gets tough, when I think I cannot bear another conversation with another Canadian or another question about Bob Rae, I simply close my eyes and think of that great Canadian Terry Fox. And it is that image of Terry Fox courageously circling the globe in his wheel chair that gives me the courage to move forward.

(Pause for really really big round of applause)

Thank you for your support

I embrace you!

Say it ain't so, Joe.

2006-10-12T12:49:00.000-05:00

The Original

Real Hulk by Matthew Sharpe

Skunk by Gord Carter

Volpe Mort by Kiran Sachdev

Maracas by Deanna

Free Baby by Rob Conolly

by Mike Morin

by Michelle Lorenzen

by Zachary Hess

by Andrej Sakic

Volpe Springer by Maurice Motut

Volpe Dance by MJC

Volpe and Frankie by Jack Walton

by Luc Courtois

Best of... by Sarah Jayne Connick

Rocker by Matthew Sharpe

Membership by Norse of 60

Squirrel Guy

Hulk Hogan by Matthew Sharpe

De-Fibber by sPat

The Right Guy for the Job

2006-10-09T18:22:00.000-05:00

For those of us who enjoy Question Period for its pure theatrical value it’s nice to see that the Liberals finally hit their stride in the House of Commons. Until very recently, with big Bill Graham at the helm the Opposition was about as fierce and focused as a bag of kittens. Thankfully, over the break someone must have pulled Bill aside and told him what the job of the opposition is – to attack.

It’s not rocket science, it’s what the Tories did when they were in opposition and it got them the big prize. You waltz into question period, you hurl as many allegations as you can across the floor and sit back and see what sticks.

Of course, the danger with this strategy is that inevitably someone goes too far. Now, I confess I like it when someone goes too far, it makes life interesting. And personally I make a habit of going too far. Of course I don’t have to stay within the bounds of good taste like Bill does. Thank god for small mercies.

This past week the “too far moment” came when the Liberals decided to attack Environment Minister Rona Ambrose for hiring Darrel Reid as her new Chief of Staff. This is very tricky stuff here. The problem the Liberals have with Darrel Reid isn’t that he’s not qualified, it’s that he is too conservative. By too conservative they mean too much of a fundamentalist Christian. By too much of a fundamentalist Christian what they really mean is he’s the former president of Focus on the Family Canada. As far as codes go it’s pretty simple.

This is where the Liberals lose me. You can’t not hire someone because of their views. This is Canada, we have laws against that. And really Bill Graham has to realize that the Liberals lost the election. We elected a Conservative Government, so when the big jobs become available they are going to go to big conservatives. That’s just the way it works.

And while I don’t think it’s appropriate for Bill to say Darrel Reid shouldn’t get the job because of his Focus on the Family links; I think its fine when I say it.

Why the double standard? Well for starters my problem with Focus on the Family isn’t that they are a Christian organization, far from it. My problem is they seem obsessed with sex and that disturbs me. I’m a prude when it comes to these things. Focus on the Family are the people that think SpongeBob SquarePants is gay. That’s just plain crazy talk. What kind of people sit around and think about the sexual orientation of cartoon characters? And really, to suggest that SpongeBob is gay is just silly. Bi curious perhaps but a hundred percent homo? I don’t believe it.

Now don’t take my word for these things. Go to their website. Check out the Focus on the Family Canada and Focus on the Family USA sites and click on books for sale. These people think about gay sex more than gay people.

This obsession with gay sex worries me. I just hope that when Darrel Reid is Chief of Staff for the Minister of the Environment he can take his mind off the perils of anal long enough to think about the plight of the poor little Chubsucker, which is by the way the name of an endangered fish not just another lifestyle choice.

While you’re on the website, I’d also encourage you to read about the founder of the Focus on the Family organization, Dr. James Dobson. He is certainly a brave and committed individual and I can see why people like Darrel Reid would be attracted to his message. I was pleased to see that Dobson was the first person to come out and publicly support movie star Mel Gibson after Mel revealed his views on our Hebrew friends to the world. Having the courage to support a drunken anti-Semite in his time of need is the sign of a true friend.

But getting back to Darrel, why the Liberals would be surprised that he is getting a big job in Ottawa baffles me. Clearly Darrel is a good foot soldier for the Conservative party and the Prime Minister wants him in the nation’s capital. The Conservative Party even ran Reid as a candidate in the last election. Unfortunately that ended badly when Reid lost and his campaign manager blamed the Jews that control the media for the defeat.

Of course that could happen to anyone, and it wasn’t Reid who blamed the Jews it was just the guy who he hired to run his campaign for him. I only bring this up because as Rona Ambrose’s chief of staff it will be Reid’s job to hire people in her office. I hear there is an opening right now in Rona’s office for a communications director and I hope he’s learned from his past hiring triumphs. Perhaps when conducting a job interview he should ask applicants if they are aware of any vast conspiracies designed to keep him from succeeding in life. Unfortunately he cannot ask the question “are you now or have you ever been near a homosexual?” That of course would be a violation of some charter right.

Anyway, I wish Darrel well with his new position in Ottawa. While the voters didn’t seem that interested in seeing the guy make it to Ottawa, where there is a will there is a way. Thanks to Rona he’s going to make it after all.

And really, no surprises there folks. This is a democracy after all, and in Canada you get the government you vote for.

Che Black

2006-10-03T07:07:00.000-05:00

When I saw the headline in the newspaper I swear to God I heard angels sing. “Conrad Black wants Canadian Citizenship back”. Cue the trumpets – it just doesn’t get much better than this.

Seeing that headline made me so excited I couldn’t even read the bloody thing. I picked up the paper and brought it home like it was a box of chocolates. I didn’t even glance at the first sentence until everything was perfect. The coffee was brewed, my feet were up the pillow behind my neck was just so. This was a moment to be savoured.

And it was a great moment. As I read that story I don’t think I ever felt more Canadian, because I knew that for the first time in perhaps our nation’s entire history, everyone in Canada was on the same page. Every man woman and child in this nation was united and together. We were gloating as one.

And what a story – Conrad Black, a man who once had more than any of us could ever imagine, gladly gives up the one thing we all share and hold dear, a Canadian citizenship. And why? So he could go to England and become Lord Black of Cross dresser. And now after telling the entire country to shove it he wants back in.

I have to admit, the idea of Conrad Black down at some god awful immigration office stuck in the back of a line behind some poor Somali dude with a bullet in his leg fills my heart with joy.

The Schadenfreude is on bust here. Conrad is basically at the front door of Canada saying to every one of us “I’m sorry baby, I didn’t mean it; let me back in the house.”

And personally, like most Canadians, part of me wants to barricade the door, run up the stairs and start pouring hot bubbly oil out of the top window all over his little Lord costume – the red one with the big white fur neck.

But unfortunately that’s not the Canadian way. I hate to admit it but I think we have to take the high road. We shouldn’t humiliate the guy any more no matter how much we want to. Bottom line is it’s fun to “kick up,” but it is unseemly to kick a guy when he’s down. Granted Conrad Black’s version of being down is slightly different than for the rest of us. His assets are frozen and he must somehow get by on a measly $45,000 dollars a month. There are rumours he might sell the Bentley.

And besides, seeing Conrad fighting for his life in the American courts makes me root for the guy. As it stands now he insists he will fight to the death in court and that there will be no plea bargain. He has even described himself, without a hint of irony, as a “freedom fighter.” Now it’s too soon to be said whether future generations of university students and skateboarders will take down the pictures of Che Guevara and replace them with woodcut prints of Lord Black but stranger things have happened.

Now just to be clear I’m not suggesting Conrad get special treatment – I’m suggesting he get treated like a Canadian.

Because regardless of what was said, or what papers were signed in the heat of the moment, that’s exactly what he is. Conrad Black was born in Canada, he grew up here and he built his business here. In fact Conrad became the giant poncy tool that he is today in Canada. Yes he denied us, yes we all heard the cock crow, but that had more to do with his getting into a peeing match with Jean Chrétien than anything else. That was then this is now. I suggest we have to do the right thing, the Canadian thing and give him the citizenship back – and then, being Canadian, we never ever let him forget it. We lord it over the lord forever. Amen

Bring Out Your Dead

2006-09-25T17:58:00.000-05:00

Dear friend and supporter,

Did you know that in the event of your tragic death you can remain an active member of the Liberal Party of Canada? The party’s membership renewal commission has reinterpreted our constitution and has determined that dead people can now hold executive positions within the Liberal party and even attend future conventions as voting members.

This is why I am writing to you today.

Please consider a one time gift of your human remains to the party – at no cost to you.

Imagine the peace of mind you will have on your deathbed knowing that while death may bring an end to many of life’s pleasures, you will still be involved in the advancement of democracy and Liberal ideals in Canada.

Many Canadians are doing just that right now. Michael Ignatieff has a number of deceased Canadians working for him on his campaign. They may be dead but they can still get Iggy with it! In fact World War I flying ace Billy Bishop has recently taken out a party membership and has officially endorsed Ignatieff and the courageous positions he has taken on the use of force during the interrogation of prisoners.

But while Billy Bishop’s arrival back on the scene is certain to bring some excitement to this campaign it is Joe Volpe who should be commended for pioneering this exciting new way to support the Liberal party. As Joe has said so eloquently in the past, for the Liberal party to succeed in the 21st century we must embrace not only hardworking new Canadians but non-working dead Canadians as well.

It was Joe who realized early on that the dead were a huge untapped resource, signing up as many of these dedicated dead Liberals as he could. In fact, after a hard day of campaigning in the many small towns across Canada Joe would often, under cover of darkness, visit local graveyards. Once there Joe, armed with artist parchment and a number four charcoal pencil, would make tombstone rubbings until dawn. Every rubbing a testament to a life lived and the basis for a party membership.

So if you are dead or near dead hurry now and give your body to the party – all the leadership candidates are looking for support from dead people.

Bob Rae, for example, has recently accepted the public endorsement of Hedy Fry.

So we ask you now in the event of your death – remember the Liberal party of Canada. Also in the event of your near death, say a car accident or heart attack, take the opportunity to ask your deceased relatives if they would like to support the party.

Donate your body today by downloading a donor declaration of intent from the Liberal Party website.

Do it for Canada.

Yours truly,

Mackenzie King
Chair
Membership Renewal Commission
Liberal Party of Canada

Smartest Guy in the Room?

2006-09-20T07:32:00.000-05:00

This past Sunday evening I found myself with my feet up watching CPAC broadcast the most recent Liberal leadership race live from Vancouver. Good scheduling on the Liberals’ part, most Canadians are free at dinnertime on a Sunday.

Later as the debate progressed I flicked over and saw that the finale for Canadian Idol was on. It dawned on me that it was quite possible that I was the only TV viewer in the entire country who was watching the debate live.

For those of you who didn’t catch it here are the highlights in alphabetical order: Bob Rae. That’s it. End of highlights.

I remember exactly where I was the moment I heard Bob Rae wanted to be leader of the Liberal party. Its one of those seared in sense memory thingies, like remembering where you were when the Challenger blew up or you heard Stockwell Day was straight.

Honestly, Bob Rae wanting to be Liberal leader seemed so bizarre I figured it was just a matter of time before Bob would be on the TV revealing the tragic results of the CAT scan.

Nothing against Rae of course, I’m sure he means well – it’s just that his record as NDP premier of Ontario will never go away. It’s like Herpes. That’s forever.

But watching the debate in Vancouver I realized that my initial reaction was way off. Believe it or not Bob Rae has the big mo. Standing up there on the stage in front of all those Liberals – Bob Rae looked like a Prime Minister and Michael Ignatieff looked like he was digesting a bag of California spinach.

Poor Iggy.

In the media Ignatieff is usually described as “current frontrunner.” Soon that will make way for “former frontrunner,” and eventually Ignatieff will simply be called “disappointed”. This was not the way this was supposed to play out.

Iggy’s problem is not the number of delegates he has or his support in the Liberal caucus. He’s got a healthy pile of these folks in his pocket. His problem is while delegates may be political junkies they work and walk among civilians. Part of the job of a delegate is to constantly bore the hell out of everyone at the office talking about this leadership race. And as the leadership slowly makes it onto the civilian radar more and more of these civilians are asking their delegate friends why in god’s name they think Michael Ignatieff is electable.

Right now there are a lot of confirmed Iggy supporters who are starting to wonder whether or not they have backed the wrong horse.

Some people have suggested that Canadians aren’t warming up to Iggy because of his intellectual credentials. I don’t buy this. Canadians don’t mind that Ignatieff is the smartest guy in the room; what bugs them is that he acts like it. We can’t relate to a guy like that – personally I’m happy if I’m the smartest guy in the elevator.

To be fair though this is probably an occupational hazard that comes with being a Harvard professor .And this alone isn’t fatal; in fact it’s pretty common actually. Our current Prime Minister also thinks he’s the smartest guy in the room – although when you consider the type of room Harper usually finds himself in, you can hardly blame him. When Harper exits a caucus meeting it’s not entirely clear if the title “smartest guy in the room” immediately shifts to his parliamentary secretary or the jade plant.

Of course my gut feeling that suddenly this is Rae’s race is hardly scientific. There are still some people who think Iggy can take this sucker on the first ballot, and really the opinion of a non delegate like me watching at home on the couch is entirely irrelevant.

Also in the spirit of full disclosure I have to admit that there were times during the debate when I was not entirely awake; in fact I think I nodded off a few times. I was, like so many other Canadians, simply killing time on a Sunday evening staring at the TV with a beer between my knees – and from that perspective Bob Rae is now the guy to beat.

Farewell to Summer

2006-09-06T11:17:00.000-05:00

Clearly there is something wrong with me. I am a grown man and the sight of a school bus driving up the street on a cool September morning fills me with free floating anxiety.

What did I do over my summer vacation? Perhaps it's easier to say what I didn't do: that would be blogging. I have been a very bad blogger. I had every intention of keeping it going over the summer but we wrapped the show and then one day turned into two and then I remember going for a few pints with Seamus O'Reagan sometime in May and next thing you know here it is September and I'm back in my cubicle at the CBC staring at a very out of date blog. I am glad to be back though. I have my geometry set, my coloured pencils and I'm wearing a pair of shiny new slacks. My first show airs Tuesday October 3rd. All aboard the short bus – it's back to school.

Speaking of the short bus I see that Jack Layton has distinguished himself on the international front by coming up with a solution for the Afghanistan situation. Jack is calling for peace talks with the Taliban. About time the NDP get back to their more loony roots. For a while there they were coming off all semi-sensible.

Rest assured if there are peace talks with the Taliban and Jack Layton The Mercer Report will be there! I've attended a lot of political events over the years and as a location I would suggest holding the talks in one of the ball rooms at the casino in Hull.

I think you might be able to smoke there and I'm guessing the Taliban would appreciate that. All the Taliban really require to have a good time is an ashtray and a few de-peopled women making sure there's a steady supply of unsafe drinking water.

Agenda for Historic Peace talks between Jack Layton and Taliban leader - room 202 Casino Du Lac Leamy, Quebec

8:00 am – Jack Layton opening comments and welcome to assembled media and Taliban representative.

8:05 am – Taliban representative walks to podium, poses for photographs with Mr. Layton.

8:06 am – Taliban representative cleaves Mr. Layton in the forehead with giant axe.

8:08 am – Peace talks end.

8:10 am – Olivia Chow says she is "encouraged by talks” – announces plan to run for leadership of NDP.

What else is going on? On the Liberal front I was encouraged to read that Michael Ignatieff will not accept any questions from the media that are "anticipatory hypotheticals". I'm glad he made this clear because I hope to interview him on the show this year and I appreciate the heads up. Truth is I like Iggy but honestly sometimes I don't know what in the hell he's talking about. I thought all hypotheticals were anticipatory! I am so stupid sometimes. I googled the phrase "anticipatory hypothetical" and there are only seven known uses in the history of the English language. The term pops up on a website called indiansex.com and it's also used in an essay written by some dude in Iowa who believes that robots have taken over the world.

And finally on a sad note that crocodile hunter guy was killed by a stingray. Laugh and the world laughs with you, get killed by a benign piece of seafood and the world laughs too apparently. Showbiz is brutal that way.

Welcome back.

Priority Six - We are a bunch of Pricks

2006-04-25T16:31:00.000-05:00

The Conservative Government has said that it will not lower the flag on the Peace Tower as a sign of respect for the soldiers that were recently killed in Afghanistan. The Government wishes to make it clear that this is not meant to disrespect soldiers who pay the ultimate price but quite the opposite – according to the Conservative Government, it’s actually more respectful this way.

In defending this position the Minister of Defense Gordon O'Connor somehow blamed Jean Chrétien. From what I can gather, the Conservative position is that Chrétien was wrong to start lowering the flag in the first place and he was often inconsistent. This is what the Conservatives do when they get their backs up. By this time tomorrow, they will be saying they want to lower the flag but can’t because they are simply too outraged over the sponsorship scandal to have someone lift their arms and pull on the ropes at the base of the pole.

It should be pointed out that when the Conservatives were in opposition they demanded that the flag fly at half mast in similar circumstances as a sign of respect for the deceased. Now that they are in power they have changed their minds entirely.

In case you are wondering what the official protocol is for this type of thing I have cut and pasted the relevant section from the department of Heritage website.

…the flag on the Peace Tower of the Parliament Building at Ottawa is flown at half-mast:
on the death of a Lieutenant Governor;
on the death of a Canadian Privy Councillor, a Senator, or a Member of the House of Commons;
on the death of a person whom it is desired to honour.

This is a pretty straightforward list.

Everyone knows what Lieutenant Governors are: they are an elite group of politically connected senior citizens who represent the Queen in each of the provinces. These brave men and women are required to attend cocktail receptions on a daily basis for their country. When their livers explode, the flag is lowered as a sign of respect.

For many, it might come as a shock to hear that the flag is lowered “on the death of a Canadian Privy Councilor” mostly because, let’s face it, nobody really knows what that means. The Canadian Privy Council is actually a ceremonial “council of advisors” to the Queen. I know it sounds exhausting, but rest assured there is no official duty that goes along with the distinction. In fact, you are required to do nothing. Every former Canadian premier is a member and the bottom line is the Queen doesn’t have Bob Rae on speed dial. Membership is also open to anyone who is a good friend of the Prime Minister. For example a previous Conservative government made Conrad Black a Member of the Privy Council. It is somehow fitting that if Conrad goes down in a nasty prison brawl over a carton of cigarettes, the flag over the Peace Tower will fly at half mast. A nation will mourn the passing of a guy who voluntarily gave up his Canadian citizenship so he could play dress-up party in England.

Further down the list we come to Senator. When a member of the Senate finally drops, the flag is not far behind. This has led to some confusion in the past when the flag has been lowered to half mast and it turns out the senator in question was simply resting his eyes. As a result there is now a rigorous process to ensure the senator is actually deceased. Once actual death is established the flag is immediately lowered. I think we can all agree on this one. When I think of the sacrifices many of these senators have made for their country I get downright weepy.

Take Senator Michael Fortier for example.

The first thing Stephen Harper did when he took office was to appoint his Quebec campaign manager to the Senate. Harper’s hand was barely off the Bible at his swearing in ceremony before his buddy Fortier was on the teat and we were on the hook for his salary.

And so if Senator Fortier chokes on a chicken bone in the Parliamentary dining room this evening the flag will be lowered to half mast. I agree with this one. It would only be appropriate that the nation be given the opportunity to honour Fortier for his few weeks of service to our country doing whatever it is he does. Of course, one hopes that the good senator avoids the chicken bones and lives well past one hundred.

Which brings us to the third category, a very interesting one indeed.

- on the death of a person whom it is desired to honour.

And rest assured the Prime Minister makes this call. The Prime Minister of Canada can order that flag lowered as a sign of respect to anyone we desire to honour. It is my suggestion that along with Members of Parliament, Senators and Members of the Privy Council, we as a nation desire to honour men and women in uniform who pay the ultimate price while serving their country.

Lower the flag, Prime Minster.

Iggy on Parade

2006-04-24T13:00:00.000-05:00

The Original

by The Rev

by Nicole Marcil

by Dave P.

by Mike Morin

by Nathan van Ymeren

by Maurice Motut

by Antonio Pendones

by David M.

by Ian Service

by Steven Cox

by Trent W.

by Wilson Becket

by Mike P.

by Val

by Peter Goodger

by Adrienne Willson

by Mike G

2006-04-05T16:53:00.001-05:00

The Original

by John Cameron

by Dwight Iwan

by Kyle

by Luigi and Robert

by Strater

by Rob Montgomery

by Bob

by Richard Burley

by Cindy Green

by Richard MacDonald

by Mark Telfer

by Cindy Green

by Maurice Motut

2006-03-30T22:07:00.000-06:00

The Original

by Eric Atamanik

by James Weiler

by Francois Larouche

by Gordon Williams

by Lance Taylor

Run Mackay Run by Erin Bourne

by JD

by Paul Dixon

by Dwayne Roemer

by Talbert Johnson

by CM

by Patrick Walton

by JD

by Jess Winskell

Voyageurs by Steve Chenier

The Family by JD

Mackay by Northwest by Larry

Super Mackay by Erick Gilmet

STAT by Paul

Hot Pursuit by Paul

by Don Whalen

Stampede by John Suart

Stick to your Knitting by Al Gallant

Loverly Bunch by Leona

by Kim Burton

by Mike P.

by Kelly Yoksimovich

by Gordon Williams

Harper Redux

2006-03-29T12:03:00.000-06:00

by Luke

by Trudy Macdonald

by Meggers

by Sharon Collins

Nothing to Hide by Maxwell Mceachern

by Neal Domenico

by Mark Bedry

by Cloin Smith

by Joe Eliot

by Andy Thomas

by Rick Stolberg

by Rob Dup

by Rob Theoret

by Dwayne Roemer

by Glenn Schmidt

by CM

by Shawna Kelly

by Janelle Fisher

by Janelle Clark

by Stacy

by Janelle Clark

by Ryan George

By Mike

Harper's Photochallenge Debut as PM

2006-03-08T12:06:00.000-06:00

The Original

by Keith Kosic

Untitled by Chelsea Smith

by Neil Robbins

Faithful Companion by Mark Veldhoven

Telemark Landing by Kyle McManus

Let Them Eat Cake by Homer J. Conan

Willard Harper by LG

I brought mints! by Goran Zovkic

Did you pack this bag yourself? by Jeff Myles

by Jess Winskell

by Dan Magor

by Mark Dallas

by Anneke Dubash

140! by Patricia Wiggins

by Kat McMurray

Canadian Gothic

Harper Miranda by Bob Brook

by Maurice Motut

One Hell of a Workout by Patricia Wiggins

I'll win you a bear, honey by Rudy Phelps

Olympiad! by Corey

by Big Jule

by Avery Strok

by Dalem Lake

Gilles' Turn

2006-01-30T12:59:00.000-06:00

by Brad Doley

by Pino Gavina

by Daniel Seguin

by Mac Holyoke

by Darrell Kaisner

by Chris Rivoire

by Ben Ib

by Benoit Chaput

by Brian Branch

by Rachel

by Maurice Motut

by Blaine Leroy

Layton's Photoshop Finalists.

2006-01-27T10:35:00.000-06:00

This party is off the hook by Guy Incognito

Behold, your leaders.

Takin' the Chicken for a Walk by Wayne Donner

The Leadership Matrix by CM

Titanada

The Three Stooges

Happy Birthday Indeed by "Guy Incognito"

Left for Dead by Jenny and Jeff Rode

Memoirs by Hyedie Hashimoto

The Rose Bloom by Scott Walsh

I'm Layton by Will Meloche

NDP Rock City by Dirty Pig

Rikishi Layton by Lori Ciaralli

He was so excited... by Paul Clerkin

Jumpin' Jack Flash

Coalition of Many Colours by Doug Webber

He was so excited... (2) by Graydon Mitchell

"How are we going to do it? Volume!" by Michael Davie

Highland Jack by Sean Hammond

Healthcare is Precious

A Difference of Opinion by Doug Biggar

Puppy Love by Chris Wynia

Look who's back.

2006-01-18T15:52:00.000-06:00

Garth Turner – Minister of National Revenue, and Secretary of State (Leather Bears)

“If you own Nortel, or a mutual fund holding it, don’t bail out now… If you do not own Nortel, then this is the time to start accumulating it.”

- Garth Turner, Conservative candidate (Halton) November 27th 2000 at the start of the stock's plummet from $50 to pennies a share

“I am constantly amazed at the assumption people make that they can manage their own finances… most people can’t. They don’t have a clue how to pick stocks.”

- Garth Turner in a 2002 personal investment column regarding those unfortunate enough to have lost on Nortel

Conservative Cabinet Update

2006-01-12T10:47:00.000-06:00

Rondo Thomas – Minister in Charge of Holy Wars

“The facts don’t matter.”

- Rondo Thomas, Conservative candidate (Ajax-Pickering)

See Rondo rally the troops in his own words here.

Conservative Cabinet Revealed

2006-01-09T13:20:00.000-06:00

Many sports fans spend their days building fantasy football or baseball teams. Likewise there are a handful of nerds out there who create fantasy cabinets. I do this all the time. I often kill time at the airport compiling my dream cabinet in the back of a scribbler. This week for example my dream cabinet would contain John Crosbie, Geddy Lee and Justin Pogge. Luckily for the Nation I will never choose a cabinet so we will never know what kind of damage I could wreak on the country.

I have it on very good authority however that Stephen Harper is spending a lot of time playing the game these days. Word is the back room on the Harper bus resembles the woodshed from A Beautiful Mind; the walls are littered with the names of potential conservative cabinet ministers. Luckily my secret mole in the Tory Campaign (Tom Flannagan) has been taking photos of the notes with his hand held palm device and forwarding me the information on a daily basis. This is what the Tory Cabinet looks like so far.

Stockwell Day – Minister of Foreign Affairs

Stockwell Day is perhaps the most experienced and most talented member on the Conservative front bench.

Stockwell is currently Foreign Affairs critic for the Conservative Party and he has done a bang-up job. When he was questioned as to why his party did not offer condolences to the Palestinians when Yasser Arafat died Stock responded by sending out a column by David Frum that speculated that Yasser died of AIDS.

With Stock representing Canada on the world stage can Peace in the Middle East be far away?

Jason Kenney – Minister of Health

Jason Kenney is an embarrassment of riches for the conservative party. He is one of Stephen Harper’s most trusted lieutenants and is experienced, well-liked and hirsute.

He is perfectly suited to a mélange of cabinet positions, and while he has a grasp on all the issues health seems to be his forte.

“I do support the idea of private health care.”

- Jason Kenney, Conservative Party critic on Canada-U.S. Relations, October 31st 2000.

Rob Anders – Minister of State (Multiculturalism)

Rob Anders is the guy to reach out to Canada’s diverse multicultural communities.

“Nelson Mandela is a terrorist.”
- Rob Anders

“Rob is a true reformer and a true conservative. He has been a faithful supporter of mine and I am grateful for his work.”

- Stephen Harper endorsing Calgary West Conservative MP Rob Anders

Vic Toews – Minister of Justice

Vic is the current Justice Critic and he takes the bull by the horns. He believes the notwithstanding clause should be used to override minority rights. He calls it the “ultimate tool” and so it is. The notwithstanding clause can be used to take away the rights of gay people to marry each other or the rights of the Chinese to drive. If you’re white and straight the chance of this being used against you are slim to none. This is for uppity minorities only. In case of emergency uppity-ness please break glass.

Minister of Citizenship and Immigration – Art Hanger

“Immigrants are choking welfare systems, contributing to high unemployment, and many cannot read.”

- Conservative MP Art Hanger

Myron Thompson – Minister of State (Youth Justice)

“Let's lower the age to ten.”

- Conservative MP Myron Thompson, commenting on the age at which he believes one should be tried as an adult, at a Vernon, BC meeting.

David Sweet – Minister responsible for the Status of Women

“There's a particular reason why Jesus called men only. It's not that women aren't co-participators. It's because Jesus knew women would naturally follow. Men, on the other hand, had to be called.”

- Conservative Candidate David Sweet former President & CEO of Promise Keepers Canada

Brian Fitzpatrick –Minister of Indian Affairs and Northern Development

“You can’t scalp me because I haven’t got much hair on top of my head.”

-Conservative Candidate Brian Fitzpatrick

Darrel Reid – Minister responsible for the Canadian Wheat Board

“I think every Christian's under an obligation to change laws to reflect biblical values. Different Christians are going to try to change different laws, according to the call God gives them. You see Christians in all political parties. That reflects different understandings of what God's call is to us. That's a healthy thing. If the yeast congregates in one part of the loaf, it makes for pretty bad bread."

-Conservative Candidate Darrel Reid former president of Focus on The Family Canada

Cheryl Gallant – Women’s Caucus Chair

“We saw that young American having his head cut off. What's happening, what is happening down there no different.”

- Conservative MP Cheryl Gallant (Renfrew-Nipissing-Pembroke) at a 2004 pro-life rally on Parliament Hill, comparing abortion to the beheading of American Nicolas Berg by insurgents in Iraq

Of course this is just a fraction of what the final cabinet will look like. Harper will have to come up with another 25 cabinet ministers. There is a rumour however that he might make history and actually be minister of everything; removing all MPs from the process. If you have any inside information on who will be in the Conservative cabinet, or should be in the Conservative cabinet, be sure to email with any and all information.

Children are the Future but Beer is now.

2005-12-13T14:54:00.000-06:00

Like so many Canadians I was appalled by Scott Reid’s comment about the proposed Conservative child care plan. In case you have been living under a rock and missed it, Scott recently quipped that under the plan parents could choose to spend their 25 dollar a week child care allowance on beer instead of child care. Clearly Scott is wrong. We all know that in this country it would be impossible to find a parent who would spend 25 bucks a week on beer. For starters a case of beer costs more than 25 bucks. A case of domestic is about 35 bucks and the trendier imports cost even more. I happen to know this because I drink beer. I don’t have kids so I have no idea what child care costs. I admit I’m surprised that 25 bucks a week will pay for daycare but what do I know.

While we all recognize and agree that Scott is an enemy of all that is holy, I feel there is a bigger issue at hand here.

In the stampede to condemn Scott and his comments about child care policy I have noticed a very real and very ugly sentiment sneaking into the national discourse. I am talking of course, about an anti-beer agenda.

I ask you Canada, since when is it okay to beat up beer drinkers?

I do not believe that just because someone said something stupid it should suddenly be open season on lovers of ale and lager.

We all have a responsibility to protect the most vulnerable in society and believe it or not this week the most vulnerable are the people you have a few pints with.

So I ask you: who will stand up for the beer drinker?

Not the Conservative party that’s for sure. In fact the Conservative party has made statements about beer this week that I believe are hurtful and in fact verge on hateful.

Conservative Child Care Critic Rona Ambrose called a press conference this week to condemn Scott Reid. That’s fine, but did she stop there? No. Rona Ambrose placed a warm case of Blue on a table and openly mocked both the product and those who consume it. She held a case of Blue up for ridicule! Is this a Canada you recognize? Imagine if she did this with a Jewish person or a homosexual or a midget? Shame Rona Shame.

And now I hear that an “anti-beer special interest group” has created a website to promote this anti-beer pro-child agenda. They are collecting names for a petition at a website located at www.kidsnotbeer.com

Well I for one am not prepared to let the Kids Not Beer people win this one. I know they have a healthy head start but I know that beer drinkers are out there and if I can get to them before 6:00 or 7:00 in the evening they can be organized. Together we can stand up and say “My Canada includes having a few pops.”

Please sign my BEER NOT KIDS petition located at www.Beernotkids.com

Let’s stop the hate and let the beer drinking begin.

Remember: children may be our greatest resource but beer is our greatest beverage.

And besides if it wasn’t for beer most of these kids wouldn’t have been born anyway.

Good luck Canada.

Harper and Martin Round 2

2005-12-09T11:50:00.000-06:00

Assimilated by Trevor Gardiner

Hold Me by Robert Lanctot

School Chair

One Man Band by James Taylor

Next Time I'm Driving by Dan Davis

Behind the Swinging Doors by Chelsea Smith

It's Not Easy Being Green by Cameron Brodzki

Deft block by Craig Blanchard

Liberal Funland by Justin Reiber

Il Dodo by Jim Boyle

I Like Mustard! by Matthew MacPherson

Interpretive Dance by D.R. MacMaster

Bring me the head of Jean Chretien by James Cornish and Sharleen Skinner

Untitled by Trevor Gardiner

Guitar Duel by Jeb Dexter

On the Pitch by Bradley Banks

Bad Santa by Doug Webber

Ultimate Campaign Championship by Wayne McDowell

An Elexmas Carol by Sarah Ormiston

Election Night in Canada by Doug Webber

Duct tape

Decepticons by Dan Crichton

The Pork Council by Agatha

Good oral hygiene by Gord Carter

Marionettes by Ben Hahn

Angels for Mercer by Avery Strok

Merry Elexmas! A Campaign Update from The Desk of the Prime Minister

2005-12-06T10:44:00.000-06:00

My fellow Liberals,

All in all a pretty good start I think.

As expected the media has been critical of us in these, the early days of the campaign. Basically they are all saying the same thing:

1. The Liberals don’t have a cohesive campaign plan.
2. The Prime Minister seems to be invisible.

Well all I can say is imagine how embarrassed they are going to be when they realize that me being invisible is the cohesive campaign plan. Eat that Chantal Hebert!

It’s a simple plan but it is a solid one. As you know I believe that “the simple way is the best way” (or at least that’s what the party clearly decided in the months before my coronation)… but I digress. Let me spell it out for you: this election is going to be decided in the heartland that is Ontario, and the more I stay out of Ontario the more popular I get.

Look, Harper is on the news every five minutes. Turn on the News and there’s Harper getting shit on by another gravol-laced baby. Where, you may ask, is the Prime Minister? I’m doing private radio in the anonymous nether regions of Atlantic Canada! Meanwhile I’m going up in the polls and Harper is flat-lining. It’s very exciting. I looked at the Ontario polls last night and the results were tremendous. My chart looks like the rising heart rate of a hysteric and Harper’s looks like Duffy’s last EKG.

It’s a plan that works and we are sticking with it. Right now we just have to figure out how to hide me effectively. Yesterday I heard Tim Murphy say “If it was up to me I’d schedule the Prime Minister to spend the entire 50 days of the campaign in a gimp box!” I think that’s the hip young term for the war room.

Actually I might just sit back and watch Belinda kick Harper’s ass in Ontario old school. The woman is on fire! She was at the Canadian Club yesterday and she defended joining my government by saying “It’s not where you sit it’s where you stand!”

Not a bad line! Personally I think she should have said what I told her to say:

“Well the thing is, well, umm standing and sitting are of course, entirely different… and umm therefore when I went into public life I was er...committing to a course of action that involved sitting down for what is right unless of course standing was required which is a position that I have always held.”

Belinda also spoke quite eloquently on why more women do not get involved in politics. She mentioned that women in politics always get asked about what kind of shoes they are wearing. Just once I would love to get that question. I’d like nothing more than to plug my pal at Aaron’s Orthopedic.

Speaking of billionaires, I have to hand it to Harper on his new childcare plan. He has certainly taken some wind out of our sails. It’s ironic that Canadian Business week released the names of the 100 richest Canadians the day after Harper released his child daycare plan. Every person on that list with a child under 3 will get a check for $1200 from a Harper government. I’ll know we are in trouble when Ken Thompson and Galen Weston run out and adopt Romanian babies.

We’re just going to have to suck this one back I think. Offering 1200 bucks to rich people won’t create daycare spaces but it could translate into votes. Today I was told that Celine Dion slapped a Tory sign on side of Caesar’s Palace when she heard that Harper is going to send her a $1200 government check to offset the cost of her childcare.

Well I should run. Someone on the plane is passing out more cookies with my head on them. I don’t mind when my own staff gleefully chews my neck off in front of the press. They are laughing with me not at me. Right?

Yours in defending Canada,

Paul Martin

The Photo Challenge Continues...

2005-12-01T18:49:00.000-06:00

The Original

Three Wisemen by Craig Blake

Let Me Lead by Gordon Williams

And a one and a two... by Jeremy Kennedy

Hello from Churchill Redux by Brent Charbonneau

I Have Seen the Enemy

At my signal, unleash hell by D.R. MacMaster

Ballin' by Rhea Delisle

Harper and Martin battle the Gamesters of Triskelion by James Taylor

I got ya' by Karen McCracken

Hey Sailor by Maurice Motut

Sumo by Oai Truong

It's kicking! by Eric Atamanik

Posedown by Spencer Cave

The Chronic by Peter Corbett

Drop the Writ Like it's Hot by Tyler Bidnyk

Showtime! by Doug Webber

Christmas in Florida by Erin D.

Christmas in the Trenches by Bradford Gyselman

From the Desk of Stephen Harper

2005-11-30T10:01:00.000-06:00

Hello My Fellow Conservatives,

It has come to my attention that the lying Liberals have recently released an “Elexmas newsletter”. This is nothing but another example of the “culture of entitlement” and I would like to take this opportunity to emulate them. Let us never forget, as Conservatives, we despise the Liberals and all they stand for; but there must be no discernable difference between us and them.

So, Merry Elexmas!

By now you know that we have defeated the government. It has been suggested that the people of Canada do not want an election at this juncture. Those of you who know me know this: I don’t care what the people think. I am not a people person. I don’t like people and the feeling is mutual.

I must admit I am sick of this discussion. I ask you, why in heaven’s name would I like People? The so called “people” had their chance 18 months ago and they choose not to give me a majority. This morning I suggested to Tom Flannigan that we should change our campaign slogan from “Standing up for Canada” to “Fuck the People”. He said no, pointing out that in politics honesty is not the best policy. “Besides” he added, “300 million bucks on an election nobody wants is about as big a “fuck you” to the people that the Tories can muster”. How we laughed!

So far I feel the campaign is going really well. In an effort to appease Ontario voters it is imperative that we bring forward an image of moderation. To this end I would like to point out that I waited a full five hours after parliament dissolved before I started in on the queers.

Some leftists have suggested that I choose the first day of the campaign to discuss gay marriage to get the issue out of the way. This is not true. I choose to discuss gay marriage on day one because it is a number one issue. In fact I would like nothing better than to spend every day of this campaign discussing gay sex. Unfortunately I cannot do that, but I am announcing today the formation of a “Conservative gay sex caucus”. The caucus will meet with me throughout the campaign and will monitor any new gay sex practices that may develop over the holiday season.

As you know, I have stated I will hold a free vote in parliament on the issue of gay marriage when I am prime minister. And let me reiterate: “I will not whip my Cabinet on the issue of same sex marriage”. When I made that commitment to caucus Jason Kenney broke the ice by raising his hand and saying “Whip me! Whip me!” What a soldier! Later he pulled me aside at John Baird’s headquarters and told me sincerely that if asked to sit in cabinet he will serve, and that he for one he will gladly be whipped on the issue of gay marriage. He is a stand-up guy Jason, always willing to subjugate himself for the cause of conservatism.

Anyway it’s day two and I have to run. Somebody at Tory Headquarters gave my phone number to Peter McKay and now I have to get a new phone and initiate another purge.

Good luck and God Bless.

Stephen Harper

From the Desk of the Prime Minister

2005-11-29T09:11:00.000-06:00

Hello Fellow Liberals and Merry Elexmas one and all.

Wow! Can you believe it’s holiday Newsletter time again?

As you know, today the Governor General dissolved the 38th parliament of Canada. It seems like barely 18 months ago we were celebrating the birth of our recently deceased minority government. Well I guess we weren’t so much “celebrating” as putting a brave face on. Whatever you call it there was drinking involved.

Personally I find it hard to discuss the 38th Parliament. All I can really say is that, like you, I once had high hopes for its future. Needless to say it was devastating to me personally when it finally dawned on me that the 38th parliament of Canada, the fruit of my loins as it were, was helplessly retarded. (Sorry developmentally delayed, I can’t keep up).

Of course once the initial shock wore off I decided that the only decent thing to do was to play the hand I was dealt. Turns out in the end no amount of money could save the bloody thing and twenty billion dollars later Stephen Harper took it on himself to put the poor simp out of its misery.

So here we are.

So much has happened since that last election so I’ll try to be brief. Phase one of the Gomery report came out and I have been completely vindicated. Turns out I had no idea what was going on after all. Some people find this hard to believe but to those naysayers I say think back to high school. Remember that dim kid you hung out with in grade ten who never had a frigging clue what was happening? Remember him? That’s basically me except far more powerful. This is the case I will bring forward to Canada.

I’m pleased to report that the democratic deficit has been all but eliminated. KIDDING! It’s fucked but what’s a guy to do? I have Belinda on the file and she says it’s under control and that’s good enough for me.

Of course I have to mention Belinda. If it wasn’t for her this government would have died months ago and me along with it. Some people in the press have referred to her as my guardian angel, I prefer to think of her as my political defibrillator. Even to this day when I see her coming I want to tear open my shirt, put Vaseline on my nipples and yell CLEAR!

The rest of the front bench is doing well and looking forward to the coming Elexmas season.

I am proud to report that Deputy Prime Minister Anne Mclellan is raring to go. People don’t know how hard she works. I bumped into her just minutes after the non-confidence vote and instead of feeling sorry for us she was busy putting up posters for a yard sale at her house. Everything must go apparently. She is a multi-tasker that Anne!

Scott Brison has turned out to be the star of the front bench. Personally, I am sick and tired of people saying that the behaviour in Question period is like a bunch of kids on the playground. If it was like a playground would I hide behind the gay kid when I got picked on? Hardly.

Anyway I have to go now. Scott Reid is barking at me to get my ass in his office pronto! May I take this time as your Prime Minister to wish you well and may I be the first to say to you: Merry Elexmas and hopefully we will live to see another year.

Paul Martin

2005-11-24T17:37:00.000-06:00

Pants on Fire by Jamie Tucker

'Named your fear must be before banish it you can' by Stewart Dick

Welcome to the Suck by Ashley Power

Parade by Catherine Stoyko

Going to Niagara

Oswald's Witness by Andrew Seipp

Wrestling Match by Darryl Jackson

Tiananmen Square by Andrew Trumbo

Chretien Bike Race by Erich Harvey

Run Jean Run!

2005-11-17T17:56:00.000-06:00

Well I slapped up this picture of Chretien on my show website at www.cbc.ca/mercerreport and you have delivered. You answered the call folks, you went to work and you photoshopped like hell. And when I said "you went to work" I mean that literally. You did it at work! Thats the kind of commitment I want to see more of. Pranks are that much sweeter when done on company time.

Stay tuned for more photoshop fun.

The Original.

Tractor Baby by Anthony Forest

Tightrope by Ed Robertson

Choices by Mark Fahey

Speeder Bike

Shopping Cart of Cash by Jesse Mussio

Ride 'em Chretien by Owen Minns

The Gangs all Here by Ed Robertson

Later Buddy!

Monty Chretien by Bryor Snefjella

Haida Hideaway by Katie Burns

Nice Coconuts! by Doug D.

Coming Soon by Michael Ivey

Harpers bestest buddy

Apollo by Andy McMullen

Ten by Eric Loring

Hello from Churchill

2005-11-15T13:33:00.000-06:00

Hello from Churchill Manitoba. As I write this I am a scant 1000 miles north of Winnipeg smack dab in the polar bear capital of the world.

Why, you may ask, would I choose to travel to Churchill during this of all weeks? Why Churchill when Ottawa is boiling with political intrigue?

Honestly I came here because it was the furthest place I could humanly get from Ralph Goodale’s economic update. The plan worked. Not a soul up here has mentioned it since I arrived.

Well that's not entirely true. One Inuit guy yelled something at me about the Liberals trying to buy Canadians off with their own money again but he was on an all terrain vehicle and driving very fast so I didn't get the entire gist of what he was saying.

Churchill is amazing. The place is crawling with Polar Bears. You haven't lived until you find yourself standing outside in 27 below weather suddenly face-to-face with a nine foot polar bear. A polar bear at first glance seems so sweet and cuddly but beneath their adorable exterior beats the heart of a vicious predator who would rather see you dead than alive.

It’s kind of the opposite of Stephen Harper’s problem.

I actually got to tag along with some guys from the Department of Natural Resources as they took a giant drugged polar bear, stuck him in a net and airlifted him via helicopter out of harms way. It’s quite a sight to see. They use a technique that was actually developed in Alberta as the most efficient way to transport Ralph Klein back and forth between Edmonton and Calgary.

As of right now I am actually stuck here in Churchill. Winnipeg is snowed in and so the lovely Calm Air aircraft that makes the Churchill-Winnipeg run is sitting in three feet of snow in Winnipeg and thus not ready for boarding here in Churchill. The downside is if I don't make it out tonight I won’t get to shoot in Winnipeg tonight and tomorrow at the University of Manitoba as I had planned. The upside is I ate the best arctic char in my life last night and if I'm stuck here tonight I will be eating more of it.

This is, after all, Canadian Show biz.

My adventure in Churchill will be airing next Tuesday night on the show. Well that is if the snow in Winnipeg stops and I get out of here. The lady at the airport said she really believed we would get a flight out tonight or by next April at the very latest so fingers crossed.

Tonight on the show I visit Paul Martin at 24 Sussex drive. It was a fun visit. I felt a bit bad that his entire world seemed to be crumbling around him when I showed up with the camera but really every day is like that. What’s a guy supposed to do?

Trudeau: Pave the Nahanni.

2005-11-08T18:25:00.000-06:00

My schedule has gotten so crazy that I have taken a speed reading course. It allows me to read and retain information in 1/14 the time.

I love it. I now have time to read articles and columns I normally wouldn’t. Sometimes the nuances are lost but the facts are all there.

For example I read in yesterdays Globe and Mail that Justin Trudeau, the son of former Prime Minister John Turner, has plans to drain the mighty Nahanni River.

Apparently Justin recently took a break from taping his wildly popular CTV show Canadian Idol and actually canoed across the Nahinni in a boat.

Justin claims that while looking over an apparently spectacular gorge or some such thing that he was struck by a vision. Elevated to an enhanced spiritual state after consuming rare hallucinogenic lichens living nearby, he looked at the gorge and made himself a promise. He promised himself that he would find out what valuable minerals lie beneath the raging river and quickly decided that draining it was the easiest way.

He has launched a campaign to that effect and although the plan technically involves simply draining the whole works into the USA, he has chosen not to call the program “Drain the Nahanni” in favour of the catchier “Pave the Nahanni”

I encourage all TV celebrities to get involved in good works and I applaud this initiative on the part of one of Canada’s leading educators.

2005-10-25T11:26:00.000-05:00

Primezilla by Brian Piitz.

Twins by Paul Obeda.

Liberal Under the Bed by Luke Johnson.

Wardrobe Malfunction by Anna.

Productivity index slips; wacky photo index rises

2005-10-24T16:31:00.000-05:00

Pope Martin by Ben Babcock.

Emperor Martin by Sean Montgomery.

Zombie Martin by David Seguin.

That's Quite a Record by Lilly.

Get Away From My Car by Vincent Tulk.

Meat by David Dick.

Moosehead Martin by Jeremy Hiebert.

Pop Martin by Tony Rose.

Scary Martin by Wayne.

Stick-up Martin by G.A. Bauman.

The Gods have delivered. Start your photoshop!

2005-10-24T10:37:00.000-05:00

It is the start of a new work week and there is time that needs to be wasted. Let the Photoshopping begin.

This past weekend the National Press Gallery Dinner was held at the Museum of Civilization in Hull Quebec. This is an annual shindig that sees members of the parliamentary press gallery invite politicians and other non-press gallery members to a fancy black tie evening of dinner and debauchery.
I won't say which member of the Press Gallery invited me in case it reflects badly on his taste in friends. Likewise I won't comment on his taste in fancy dress because he wore a kilt.
The big draw is the speeches. The Governor General and all the party leaders are required to deliver a speech that is, in theory, supposed to be humourous. I've never attended the dinner before, so for a geek like me it was a thrill.
Anyone who is anyone in Ottawa attends. If seeing Mike Duffy and Don Newman together in the same room gives you a boner; this is the place you wanna be. It is sexy, it is glamorous, and it is broadcast live on CPAC. To put that into context, the Oscars are watched by over a billion people worldwide, the potential television audience for the press gallery dinner is upwards of 60 people, 71 if you include Quebec.
Where you are seated, and how close you are to the stage and the Prime Minister speaks volumes about how important you are in the Ottawa firmament. I don’t want to brag here but how important am I you ask? Lets just say that I was at a table with Sheila Copps. I think if Ernst Zundel got back in the country he could get closer to the action than I was.

Here is my thumbnail review of the evening.

Anthony Germain - Our Master of Ceremonies . The host of CBC radio’s The House was very funny and very saucy. My guess is that he has recently won the lotto because he seemed totally fine with the idea of pissing off anyone and everyone in Ottawa. My guess is he will never work again, which in comedy is a great compliment. Congratulations Anthony! Bonne Chance.

Michaelle Jean - Foxy new GG. Tough gig for her being the neophyte in the room. She was pretty funny and didn't pull punches. She slapped everyone including Adrienne which people seemed to especially enjoy.

Paul Martin - Goofy Prime Minister. The best speech of the night. He had a bizarre confidence I have never seen before. This may have something to do with the fact that Martin ended with a video, which featured Brian Mulroney saying, "go fuck yourself". This was a huge coup for Martin and kind of embarrassing for the Conservatives who either didn't think of getting Mulroney or worse, couldn't land him.

Stephen Harper - Tory Leader. He really does do great impersonations. Harper had my favourite line of the evening when he described the entire evening as a night where "people who aren't funny tell jokes to people with no sense of humour". Great line, but not entirely accurate. But hey, good comedy is like good policy, you don't want the facts get in the way of the joke.

Jack Layton - Fearless Socialist. Jack Layton sang and played guitar. I have to admit when I saw the guitar I feared for the worst. I kind of panicked at the idea of being trapped in a room while Layton strummed a guitar and sang songs by 70’s super folk rock band Bread. It didn’t happen though Jack surprised us all. Jack did three "funny" songs and then left the stage leaving them wanting more and he never uttered a spoken word.

Gille Duceppe - Coward. No show.

Nothing else to report really. Sheila Copps should probably check her meds and Belinda’s dress was all the talk. One of those bright young conservative MPs in the Tory youth caucus asked me if I thought Belinda’s dress was "appropriate". Maybe he was confusing me with his pastor. Usually when guys in their 20’s talk about boobs they are pro cleavage. Maybe next year she should consider a Hugo Boss Burka so as to not offend the young conservatives.

Happy photoshopping. Send your crafty and offensive creations to Rick@rickmercer.com

Operation Enduring Blogger

2005-10-19T09:59:00.000-05:00

Rudyard Griffiths, the giant brain who founded the Dominion Institute, snapped this picture. He suggested that the caption read VOTE MERCER STRONG ON DEFENCE 2008

He might be on to something. With that caption, this photo and the right team I could go on to win my father’s old seat on the town council in Middle Cove Outer Cove Logy Bay.

I have just returned from a week in Afghanistan. Now I am back in the office and somehow wrapping my head around creating a new TV season. The Jet lag is a bit nutty though so I keep ducking under my desk for power naps. Nobody bothers me in this position; they just assume I am management.

It would be near impossible to sum up the entire experience in Afghanistan but a personal highlight was reading online from Kabul that the Minister of Defense stated “emphatically” that we weren’t in the country. Finger on the pulse that one.

Here are a few observations.

I would make a terrible soldier.

There are lots of rules in the Canadian Forces. A very simple rule is that you must have your flack jacket and helmet with you at all times, and when you are not wearing them you must know where they are. This is pretty important. Camp Julian in Kabul was the target of a rocket attack just days before we arrived, as was the Canadian embassy. If you’re going to hang out in these places it makes sense that you know where your armor is. This does not seem to be a problem for most soldiers; I know this because when you look around the Canadian camps you don’t see abandoned flack jackets or helmets without owners. Well actually last week you might have because I was there, and try as I might to keep track of my things I kept laying mine down and then inevitably I would see something shiny or get talking to some soldiers who would then bring me elsewhere to meet other soldiers and eventually I would be on the other side of the camp with no idea where I left the bloody things.

On one occasion, as I was once again wandering around looking for my helmet, a soldier asked me sarcastically if, in my other job, I was used to having people follow me around to keep track of my clothing. In fact I do. It’s called the wardrobe department. I chose not to pass this on, as it seemed a bit unmanly to admit.

The other problem I would have is the briefings. They love to give briefings in the army. A briefing is a bit like school. At least it seemed like school to me because more often than not I didn’t have a bloody clue what anyone was talking about.

Also there is the matter of cowardice. Perhaps I shall write about my overall cowardice in great length at another time.

Guy Lafleur is a great Canadian.

On the second last day of the trip Guy woke up and played ball hockey with the soldiers first thing in the morning, then put in a full day that ended with a four hour flight to another camp in a Herc. When we arrived Guy went and played another full game of hockey 9:00 that night. He signed literally hundreds of autographs every day and seemed to accept that many men serving their country overseas were Leafs fans. I shared a room with Guy on a stopover at an airbase on the way in and out of the country; having to wake up Guy Lafleur at 4: 30 in the morning so we could go get on a Herc was one of the most surreal moments of my life. Guy…Guy…Guy…wake up! Rapide comme une Bunny!

Low Arsehole Ratio.

Arseholes are a fact of life but, as God is my witness, I never met any on this trip and I met about 700 people. This must qualify as a statistical anomaly.

A Changed Country

This was my second trip to Afghanistan and the capitol city of Kabul has changed dramatically since Canada showed up. Kabul looks and feels like a city on the mend. New construction is everywhere, the stores are crowded, there is fresh produce in abundance and women are seen everywhere on the streets -- many without Burkas. Canada has played a huge part in this transformation. Now things start to get real tricky. The bulk of Canada’s troops will soon be stationed in Kandahar. This is the Wild West. Kandahar is, bottom line, far more dangerous than Kabul. If you wanted to drive home this fact all you have to do is take a look inside the front gates of the Canadian camp. Inside the gate sits a British armoured vehicle that was recently hit by a suicide bomber. Because of the armour everyone walked away from that attack.

Canadians on patrol in this area drive now similar vehicles made by Mercedes.

The Kids are all right.

In Kandahar we were lucky enough to go along on a foot patrol. The kids go crazy for the Canadian soldiers and mob them wherever they go. They want high fives and pens. The pictures speak for themselves.

Gordon O' Connor MP. Bloody Genius!

2005-10-07T11:20:00.000-05:00

Sometime in the future I am visiting with the Canadian Forces in Afghanistan.

I never told anyone because when I agreed to go I agreed, for security reasons, to keep my mouth shut. I have never been good at the “following orders” thing but when someone is armed I tow the line pretty quick. This morning however I read on Bourque that the Conservatives have no problem talking about the trip and surprise surprise they are outraged.

In the Sun chain of newspapers the Conservative Defence critic Gordon O'Connor has blasted the Department of Defence for allowing “civilians” into a war zone.

May I suggest that as a former Brigadier General he should know that wherever there are Canadian troops stationed there are civilians. Canadian civilians do much of the important support work for our men and women in uniform. I’ve been fortunate enough to meet with hundreds of members of the Forces who risk their lives ever day doing their job. Likewise, I have met the civilians who work side by side with our troops, and they do it in war zones.

And as far as people like me? Civilians whose skills are woefully limited to strumming a guitar or telling a joke, we have been making these trips since world war one.

It’s called entertaining the troops. It’s not a great sacrifice on the entertainer’s part; in fact it’s a great privilege. A few years back Tom Cochrane, Damhnait Doyle and I were lucky enough to visit Canadian Forces Camp Julian in Kabul in December. We set up a stage in a mess tent and did three shows of stand-up comedy, Christmas Carols and rock and roll. Show-biz folk love a captive audience; we will gladly travel across the world and visit a war zone to find one.

If Canada as a nation is going to have troops positioned abroad, in harms way, members of the Canadian Forces and their families have to know that the country stands with them.
Mr. O’Conner is not sending that message.

In the Sun article Mr. O’Conner seems to indicate that his real problem with the idea of "high profile Canadians" going to Afghanistan comes from a desire to protect families. He is quoted as saying: “How are they going to explain to the families if some of these people get hit by bombs when they're over there?"

I would suggest they would explain it in the same way they have had to explain such occurrences in the past. I would also respectfully suggest to Mr. O’Conner that as an adult civilian, I’m allowed to make my own decisions concerning the risks I take in my own personal life. And don’t worry in the event of an accident; the tax payer will not be on the hook. I have signed my release form and it is crystal clear on that point.

For the time being the Tory position is that visits to Afghanistan be limited to “Defence Department officials and politicians who oversee the forces.”

I can’t speak for business leaders and athletes but I can speak for entertainers. If Mr. O’Conner ever becomes Canada’s Minister of Defence and he bars civilian entertainers from visiting the troops but encourages politicians to do so, he had better be prepared to put on a pair of heels and a dress and learn to sing for his supper.

Ruin Christmas? Just watch me!

2005-10-05T10:33:00.000-05:00

So the Liberals think they have pulled a fast one by not scheduling any opposition days until mid November. Clever Tony Valeri (pictured above) thinks the Conservatives would never try to defeat the government now because it would mean an election around Christmas.
Valeri (pictured above) not only looks like he is part barn owl but he seems to think he is wise as one too.

This is the chance for Stephen Harper to say the hell with conventional wisdom and show he’s got the gonads to lead. Stephen Harper is in the position to give the gift of Conservatism to Canada this Holiday Season and he should leap at it like one of those ten Lords-a-leaping.

Personally I love the idea of a Christmas Election. Not on Christmas day of course, that day should be reserved for the sanctity of turkey, but the day after. Let’s go to the polls on Boxing Day. It’s not a High Holy holiday and most people already have the day off. The entire nation is just lying around bloated looking for an excuse to get out of the house. Let’s face it, come Boxing Day, most Canadians have had their fill of family and a civic duty is a great excuse to get in the car early and get away from the in-laws; “Sorry Hon, I’d love to sit around your Mothers living room for another twelve hours and listen to you and your siblings tell stories about growing up but we’ve got to vote so GET THE HELL IN THE CAR!”

Will he stay or will he go?

2005-10-04T08:26:00.000-05:00

Boy it sucks to be Peter MacKay. Will he take the plunge? Will he get the hell out of Dodge? Will he give up the glamorous life as the safety critic in Her Majesty’s Loyal Opposition to become the Premier of Nova Scotia? It must be very tempting for a guy who has spent his entire working life in opposition. For over a decade now he has been complaining about stuff but has never had the chance to actually run anything. Don’t get me wrong, Peter MacKay has held positions of great authority in the world of amateur rugby, but becoming a premier would entail at least twice the responsibility and workload. Personally, I know he could do it, he is definitely smart enough - in Question Period he has been known to wear glasses.

If Peter is anything like me (my inner child not being a child but a small bitter man) he is busy running revenge scenarios over and over again in his head. He is picturing himself walking into caucus, kicking over a few chairs, bitch-slapping Jason Kenney and Scott Reid, turning heel and walking out the door never to be seen again. The fantasy continues, of course, with his returning to Nova Scotia a hero. Premier MacKay then devotes the next six years of his life to running a clean and honest government by day, and leading a secret wing of the Provincial Police force by night. A much-feared collection of officers whose only mandate is to make Scott Brison’s life miserable. The fantasy wraps up, of course, with MacKay heading back to Ottawa to assume his rightful place as Conservative Prime Minister of Canada.

Although, if MacKay really is like me (and the more I think about it, the physical similarities are so eerie I assume that he is), this fantasy would quickly become replaced with a more terrifying scenario. One where he returns home and becomes Premier only to lose the following general election. It gets worse from there. The day after his historic defeat he goes out to the potato patch to grant sad interviews with the press but nobody has bothered to make the drive. This of course makes him sadder. This scenario ends years later with him working as a dishwasher at the Lower Deck in Halifax, spending hours on end plunging his prison-tattooed hands into scalding, soapy water. His only respite being the occasional breaks where he swallows whole pickled eggs for drinks and applause. All politicians fear that their careers will end this way and studies show that for 23 percent of them it is inevitable. This is the scenario of the dreaded night sweats.

Personally, I hope Peter goes for curtain number one and takes a shot at being Premier of Nova Scotia. I lived in Nova Scotia for over ten years. It’s an amazing province and MacKay would be an excellent Premier. Everyone in the Province likes him and his heart is certainly in the right place. I’m pretty sure that he would take a bullet for Nova Scotia without a moment’s hesitation. He is as Nova Scotian as they come. How Nova Scotian? He has been known to travel to Party functions with his own personal bagpiper. A conspiracy theorist might be interested to know that said bagpiper, the very charming and talented Tyler Cameron, is actually the grandson or grandnephew of current Nova Scotia Premier John Hamm. He explained the exact connection once but it was at a Tory party “blow out” and I couldn’t really hear him over the din of people complaining about the cash bar.

Of course, leaving Ottawa would be a big transition for Peter. I am sure there are many things that he would miss a lot about his life in the Conservative Party. As Deputy Leader I know he would miss the convenient way that he finds out about new Party policy: listening to the radio or reading Bourque.

Some things he wouldn’t miss. I have a sneaking suspicion that MacKay is not too big on all that Lord talk. It’s pretty much a confirmed fact now that before every caucus meeting the assembled MPs gather in a circle, hold hands, and rock back and forth until eventually someone asks “What would the Lord do?” According to reliable insiders, someone inevitably will fall to their knees as if in an epileptic seizure, begin babbling in foreign tongues, and start shouting “We must prepare for the coming of the Lord”. For MacKay, it must be very unsettling to so see so much attention being paid to the Premier of New Brunswick.

And finally, knowing what a benevolent soul Peter is, I’m sure he would miss the many opportunities to be involved in charitable acts right there on Parliament Hill. There is always some sort of fundraiser taking part on the Hill and MacKay is often an active participant, whether it is a Bar-B-Q for Katrina Relief or a Run for Cancer Research. Also, I know for a fact that he often takes time out of his busy schedule to spend quiet one-on-one time with those who are less fortunate than he. Why only recently I saw pictures of him on Parliament Hill throwing around a football with a man whom I can only assume was Stephen Harper’s mentally challenged twin brother.

And you know what? That is the stuff of heroes.

Good luck Peter, whatever you decide.

Ask and you shall receive.

2005-09-30T13:42:00.000-05:00

Turn that frown upside down (see below) was not really a request but hell, if someone goes through the trouble then why not.

Smiling Dave from Melissa Dimock.

Turn that frown upside down.

2005-09-30T09:49:00.000-05:00

Dingbat to get golden parachute!

After a lifetime of public service, chewing gum aficionado David Dingwall is negotiating a golden parachute with the Federal Government. Apparently this is standard operating procedure within 48 hours after resigning in disgrace. It’s not in the Liberal Red book but it should be in the Liberal Playbook.

Seeing as it was the Tories that exposed Dave’s bizarre expense accounts in the first place, I say put them in charge of packing Dave’s Parachute. Let them pack it and let them be the ones who give him the thumbs up as he exits the plane. Perhaps 30 000 feet above Rivermead golf course would be nice.

In his final act of selfless public service he can fertilize the 18th hole.

HOLY SHIT !

2005-09-29T10:30:00.000-05:00

I have the sense of humour of a ten year old.

I have been a terrible blogger. I took a short break and it turned into a long one. I apologize but for a while there nothing could inspire me to get back at it, not the CBC lockout, not the investiture of our foxy new GG, not even Dave Dingbats expense account. But today all that changed; today I was sent a picture of the Prime Minister flipping burgers and he looks like he is about to be nailed in the head by a giant turd.

Now that’s satire!

Harper Hits Toronto

2005-08-08T11:04:00.000-05:00

The Tory caucus gathered in Toronto last week for a miniature policy retreat and something truly shocking happened; policy was announced.

This is a big departure for the Conservatives and it could have severe consequences. If they keep this up people might confuse them with a national party.

The big news is they are proposing a tax break for people who use public transit. This is a 400 million dollar tax break that is aimed directly at big city urban voters. When I heard this I couldn’t really believe it because, well, it makes so much sense. In fact it makes so much sense that I can only assume the Liberals will have stolen it by this time next week and will be calling it their own.

Unfortunately Harper’s announcement didn’t really cause much of a stir in the media because, in the battle for space on the front page, the Tories once again had their asses kicked.

As luck would have it, on the day Harper was making his public transit announcement in Toronto, Paul Martin was in Ottawa introducing Canada’s new Governor General Michaëlle Jean. To be fair Harper tried his damndest to compete with the Prime Minister’s photo op; he invited the media to take pictures of him getting off a Toronto streetcar with his son. In Harper’s world that is pretty dynamic stuff.

You can’t really blame the newspapers on this one. When it comes to photos Michaëlle Jean is just downright way better looking and more interesting than Stephen Harper, no matter what character from the Village people he happens to be dressed as.

It must have been devastating though when he realized that practically every paper in the country ran with the picture of Michelle Jean instead of him on the streetcar. Of course it didn’t hurt that our new GG just happens to have the cutest daughter in Canada.

Somewhere Stephen Harper is yelling at his son “Next time be cuter damn it!”

My Dinner with Steven

2005-08-08T11:01:00.000-05:00

Steven Fletcher rolled into town this week for the caucus retreat and we finally followed through with an ongoing threat to hook up and have a few beers. Well actually it turns out he doesn’t drink beer, but luckily he doesn’t mind buying them.

Fletcher is one of my favorite Tories. He is the health critic, a very funny guy and a great interview. He’s also up for anything which I love in an MP. The first time I interviewed him we tied a rope to the back of his wheelchair, I got on a razor, and he towed me around the Parliament buildings at a very alarming speed.

There are certain advantages when shooting a segment on Parliament hill with a quadriplegic. Normally if I tried to use a scooter on the Hill I’d be bounced in about three seconds. If you happen to be with a guy in a wheelchair, everyone assumes it’s on the up and up. Steven is well aware of this advantage. Rumor has it that as a party trick he will intentionally run into a Liberal and then everyone gets to watch as the Liberal apologizes for being in the way.

Anyway after two Heineken at his hotel we walked / motored up to Queen Street to Le Select Bistro for steak frites. In honour of my Western based conservative friend I thought a French bistro was only appropriate.

I consider myself flattered to get worked into his schedule really. If anyone ever gets it in their head that MP’s don’t work like Torbay ponies in the summer they should check out Fletcher’s schedule. He has toured over 25 hospitals in Ontario alone this summer and has plans to see more. He is totally obsessed with his portfolio. He can talk health care until your eyes cross.

And nice? This is a guy who has absolutely no anger in his voice when he’s telling the very funny story about an airline losing his wheelchair.

Not long ago he found himself in Ottawa, sitting on a plane at 1:00am, having just flown all the way from Winnipeg through Toronto and nobody had a sweet clue where his wheelchair was. Eventually he ended up spending the entire night lying on an air mattress in the chapel. He literally had to stay there until the next day so they could find the lost chair and fly it to Ottawa. And just when you think the story has ended he tells you the part about how the chapel fills up at dawn with travelers of the Muslim faith who must take part in the Muslim call to prayer. Luckily they didn’t mind the guy lying on the air mattress in the middle of the room and Steven is partial to chanting.

It’s a funny story but he’s a better man than I.

I go shit-crazy if my luggage stays on the tarmac for longer than thirty minutes. This guy’s wheelchair gets lost and he is Mr. “These things happen”

And just to be clear I don’t mean to imply he isn’t capable of anger. When he talks about the Gomery inquiry he looks like his head is going to come off his shoulders. He seems to have a huge tolerance for an honest mistake and an extremely low tolerance for graft and corruption. Not surprising really, it’s probably proof of his conservative hidden agenda.

Gone Fishing.

2005-07-19T14:24:00.000-05:00

The heat has destroyed me. I am getting the hell out of Toronto. I don’t think I’ll be blogging for a few weeks as I am in search of climes a tad more comfortable – I am going to Africa. I have the opportunity to visit some United Nations Millennium Development Goals project sites. The director of the Millennium Project is Dr. Jeffrey Sachs, founder of the Earth Institute at Columbia University.

He is committed to ending poverty in our time; I am saucy for a living. We were bound to meet one another eventually.

So you want to be a Speechwriter?

2005-07-17T17:16:00.000-05:00

The writing fraternity in Canada is abuzz with talk that the Prime Minister’s speechwriter, Scott Feschuck, has decided to vacate his post. This means that for the first time in decades there is an actual job opening for a writer in Canada. Wherever writers gather, be it at book clubs, poetry circles, narcotics anonymous meetings or Margaret Atwood’s house, this subject has dominated all others.

Personally I think this represents a wonderful opportunity not only for professional writers but for all unemployed Canadians.

Unlike most jobs, this one is a cinch to apply for; all letters to the Prime Minster of Canada are postage free.

If you are applying for the gig you will have to provide a sample speech. Don’t get carried away and attempt to write a Speech from the Throne. A Throne Speech outlines the government’s priorities and its agenda. It’s not the writer’s job to decide the direction that the country is headed. That is sole responsibility of the Director of Communications.

So, what kind of speech? My advice is to put yourself in the shoes of the people around Paul Martin. Consider this: a Strategic Counsel survey released this past week suggests 52 per cent of respondents believe the Prime Minister should be immediately replaced as leader of the Liberal Party. Based on those numbers it is safe to assume that those closest to him are looking for work elsewhere. It’s probably not a happy place, but it pays.

If I was serious about getting the job, in light of the poll results I think the smartest approach would be to craft a short but eloquent concession speech for the Prime Minster.

Actually I would write a speech for each of the two obvious scenarios. One to be used in the event of an election in which the Liberals get their asses kicked from sea to sea to sea and another to be used in the event of a devastating result at a leadership review.

My professional advice – avoid clichés at all cost. For speech number one, the election night speech, I would start with something pithy and original like:

Prime Minister
“My fellow Liberals; we are bloodied but we are unbowed! We may have lost official party status tonight, but we are still a force to be reckoned with! To Stephen Harper, I say congratulations; I’ll be out of the house by Monday.”

After that you would want to wrap it up pretty fast; the networks will have cut to Calgary by then anyway.

For the devastating leadership review speech I would start with a joke.

Prime Minister
My fellow Liberals… I wish politics was like booze. Hey 27% is a big number if you’re talking alcohol content! (Pause for laughter) Speaking of alcohol I need a drink. Thank you and good night. Screw you Ignatieff!

My only other advice is to keep it short. Nobody likes a long-winded Prime Minister. (If you get the job, good luck getting that message through his head.)

Send all applications to:

I want to be a Speechwriter
c/o
Office of the Prime Minister
80 Wellington Street
Ottawa
K1A 0A2

P.S.

Remember, when corresponding with any Member of Parliament, sign off by asking to be added to his or her Christmas card list. This way, when December rolls around, you will know if anyone bothered to read your letter.

Photoshop Ralph draws to a close....

2005-07-15T15:01:00.000-05:00

Mona Lisa Ralph by Mellisa Dimock

Cowardly Ralph by Dave Lee

Beerbong by Kate Dalgleish

Ralph and Janet by Kristine Sheffiel

Family Ralph by Gabe Hill

Corrie Ralph by Melissa Dimock

Dorthy Ralph by Melissa Dimock

Judas Priest Ralph by Ben MacPhee-Sigurdson

The winner of the special lucky hat to be announced soon! Emails on the subject welcome at rick@rickmercer.com

A Nation with too much free time on its hands.

2005-07-14T08:36:00.000-05:00

King Ralph by Trout

Hot Momma Ralph by Kate Dalgleish

Ralph 3rd runner up Mr. Leather 2005 by Ray Sullivan

Klien in the Box by Kirk Schmidt

Emperor Ralph by Kirk Schmidt

Absolute Ralph by Lori Savery

Mad Ralph by Jarryn Lutkin

Doin it for the kids Ralph by Tiko

Stampede Ralph by Drew Avis

YIKES! START YOUR PHOTOSHOP.

2005-07-13T14:29:00.000-05:00

Homeless Ralph by Ray Sullivan.

Ralph Weds by Matt.

Nice Hat by Michael Heacock

Buskin' Ralph by janet McNaught

Villiage People Ralph & One More for the Road by Roger.

He Shoots He Scores by Alise Neil

Jurrasic Ralph by Werner Patels

Winner gets a free hat!

Destroyed MPs, Deceased Premiers, A book about Stephen and Mr. Feschuck.

2005-07-11T22:16:00.000-05:00

Tonight CBC News reports that Conservative MP Gurmant Grewal is under investigation by the RCMP for irregularities in his 2004 election expenses. Wow. And we were under the impression this guy had already hit bottom. Apparently not. Is Karl Rove working for the Liberals now? Talk about beating a guy like a rented mule. What's next? Will the transcript of the screaming in Grewal's head be released to the general public? Time to leave this guy alone. Move him to the side of the grill – he's done.

Frank Duff Moores, the second Premier of Newfoundland, a Progressive Conservative, has died. A state funeral is planned for later in the week. I remember running around the house when I was ten or so on election night chanting "Vote for Premier Moores!" Dad finally told me to sit down, be quiet and watch the coverage, explaining that Moores had retired and he wasn't going to be Premier anymore. For some reason I took the news hard. I was a strange kid.

I just finished reading the newly released hardcover version of "Stephen Harper and the Future of Canada" by William Johnson. I read it in one sitting, cover to cover, back to front. If you're the kind of person that would like to know more about the Leader of the Opposition than you know about most people this is abook for you. I'm not a literary critic so I will simply say this: "Stephen Harper and the Future of Canada By William Johnson is the best work of non fiction ever published in the history of Canada." If that doesn't get me on the back on the trade paperback nothing will.If I have a single complaint about the new Harper bio it's the fact that the book has no pictures. I'm serious, what political bio doesn't have ten pages of crappy black and white photos? I was really looking forward to the Karsh photos of Harper's disco years when he drove the metallic Gremlin and had a perm.

And finally it was reported this week that speech writer Scott Feschuck is leaving his job in the Prime Minister's Office. This means that come the fall we can look forward to a Prime Minister who is even less amusing and less well spoken than usual. Hard to imagine really. All aboard the short bus!

From the desk of the Prime Minister.

2005-07-05T14:36:00.000-05:00

Dear former friend and Liberal campaign donor,

As you might have read in recent media reports, donations for the Liberal Party of Canada are at an all-time low. The numbers below tell the tale.

Total personal donations for 2004:

 Conservatives $10.9 million.
 Liberals $5.2 million.
 New Democrats $5.19 million.
 Bloc Québécois $897,000.

Our records indicate that you were once an active supporter of the Liberal Party but no longer send cheques or answer the phone when we call. Your request for a lawn sign in the event of the coming election seems to have been lost in the mail.

As you are no doubt aware a Cabinet Minister was in your area recently and dropped by your residence to speak with you directly about this situation. Unfortunately you were otherwise engaged at the time, choosing instead to lie on the floor with your family with the lights off. I understand the importance of family time and suggest you call us and tell us when an appropriate time for such a visit would be.

Many of you have voiced concern about corruption inside the liberal party, and have specifically mentioned being turned off at the notion of so called “envelopes of cash” being passed around sleazy Montréal Diners.

As your leader, I understand that if mysterious envelopes of cash are being passed around, you the rank and file, the former supporters, the backbone of the party, would feel angry and left out at not receiving one.

That said let me tell you about our new donor program that will soon replace the Laurier Club of Canada; The Laurier Party of Canada Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!

From now on when you donate $1000.00 to the Liberal Party you too will receive a fat envelope which may or may not contain one or more of the following.

Membership in the Laurier Club of Canada.
Valuable Marks Works Warehouse coupons.
Ten Thousand unmarked dollars in twenties and fifties.

This time everyone gets an envelope!

I hope that you will consider this carefully.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Paul Martin, Leader
Liberal Party of Canada

P.S. Please pick up your phone.

Cruising with Ezra Levant!

2005-07-04T12:11:00.000-05:00

Many years ago I had beers with Ezra Levant, and we ended up yelling at each other long into the night. We had lots of fun and bored the hell out of anyone within earshot.

I guess at this point it could be his word against mine; he could very well deny the entire thing, but it happened I swear.

For anyone who is not familiar with Ezra he’s the guy that coined the phrase “Stockaholic” to describe one’s overwhelming loyalty to Stockwell Day. The phrase never caught on really; mostly it was just Ezra who used it, and always in reference to himself.

A longtime Alliance activist, Ezra spent a pant load of his own money in 2002 to win the Alliance nomination in the riding of Calgary Southwest. Then, in a stunning display of how Conservatives are all about the grassroots, Ezra was forced to give up his hard-fought nomination to his newly elected leader Stephen Harper. It was pretty decent of him really, down right Scott Brisonish.

Personally I would have liked to see Ezra in Parliament, but probably for different reasons than most of his supporters.

Ezra has since traded in any political aspirations for the magazine trade. He is the Founder and Publisher of the Western Standard. I am an avid reader.

It’s got all the conservative pundits you would ever want to read, the sensible ones and the not so sensible.

The June issue had commentaries on a variety of subjects including “Why Belinda is worse than a whore”, “Why the conservatives are better off without Belinda” and “How Belinda’s ambition will have long term repercussions for Canadian Governance”. Those aren’t the exact titles but that’s the gist of it. Unlike the Eastern Media, it’s unbiased journalism at its best.

I was always a news stand buyer but lately The Western Standard is available for free on any Air Canada flight. I say free but I guess somehow it’s factored in with the $14,000.00 ticket price

What I like about Ezra is that he doesn't just limit himself to publishing. Ezra is also bit of a professional shit disturber and I admire that in a person. It was Ezra who made the “It’s the stupid Charter” buttons that were distributed at the last Conservative Convention. Harper’s people were apoplectic when they started showing up on the floor. At first they thought it was a dirty Liberal trick designed to embarrass them until they saw the “Western Standard” logo at the bottom.

I interviewed one young guy who was proudly wearing three of the buttons. He told me with a straight face that the Charter should be burned and then complained that the young Liberals had stolen the idea of Ezra’s button because the Liberals had buttons that said “It’s the Charter, Stupid”. This poor misguided activist was incensed that the Liberals would steal from Conservatives and plus he said he didn’t appreciate being called stupid. To put it kindly I have seen brighter lights on small appliances. I didn’t put it on TV because I thought the kid probably had parents who might watch or he might want to go on a date someday. Later he was part of the crowd chanting “No Youth! “No Youth!” during the debate over the youth wing. To be fair every party has them.

Ezra’s latest coup is the now famous Libranos poster.

When Immigration Minister Joe Volpe saw a few Conservative MP’s chuckling over the poster he practically had an aneurism. He ran to the closest microphone and declared that the entire Conservative party was basically like the Ku Klux Klan. For this outburst alone Volpe wins the award for “stupidest comment from a Member of Parliament this year”. And what a year to win the honour! Kudos to Volpe on that one.

Personally, I think calling people Nazis or KKK members is grounds for bouncing a Cabinet Minister. It lets the KKK off the hook.

If you are going to call someone a Nazi or a KKK member, let’s make sure there are photos of them taking part in behavior fitting of history’s cruelest monsters, not just chuckling over photo shop.

Anyway Ezra has now set his sights even higher. He is no longer just a publisher and Conservative opinion maker. Ezra Levant is now a cruise director!

I admit when I first stumbled across the two page glossy ad for the “Inaugural Western Standard Caribbean Cruise with Ezra Levant” I thought it was another example of Ezra’s wit, but nope – it’s a legit enterprise.

According to Ezra he is offering you the opportunity to travel the Caribbean with “like minded Conservatives”. He’s a genius that Ezra. I’m sold. Personally I cannot think of a better way to spend a week in December than watching a group of like-minded sun-baked conservatives, liquored to the tits, gobbling Dramamine, and complaining about Canada.

You can go to his website and learn all about it. My favourite part is the speakers list. You guessed it: ten white guys! It’s like the Love Boat but without girls!

Highlights of the cruise will be the all you can eat buffets and the opportunity to have a photograph/autograph session with Colby Cosh, Ted Byfield and Andrew Coyne!

I am half tempted to sign up. I had fun with Ezra before, I’m sure I could do it again. Of course back then we weren’t stuck on a boat.

For a complete list of speakers joining Captain Ezra (including Ted Byfield top) visit http://www.westernstandardcruise.com/speakers.htm

Memorial Day in Newfoundland.

2005-07-01T17:15:00.000-05:00

In one of those great Newfoundland in Confederation ironies, Canada Day is actually an official day of mourning in Newfoundland.

You see, Canada just happens to celebrate its birthday on the anniversary of the bloodiest day in Newfoundland history.

On July 1, 1916 the Newfoundland Regiment was wiped out on the battlefield of Beaumont-Hamel France during the Battle of the Somme. The story of the Newfoundland Regiment in WWI is a dramatic one, long and filled with heroic victories. It came to an end on this day in 1916.

It was on this day that 801 fighting Newfoundlanders left the trenches and tried to smash through the German lines, only 69 returned to answer the roll call. An entire generation was wiped out in minutes. Today is the day we remember them.

I was at the War Memorial in St. John’s this morning at 11:00am and watched the wreath laying ceremony. It was a beauty day, there was a big crowd and lots of young people in attendance

It makes for a bit of a schizophrenic holiday. On the day we are supposed to be celebrating the flag, the flags are flying at half mast.

Everything is different in Newfoundland.

Mulroney Unleashed.

2005-06-28T15:17:00.000-05:00

The headline crawling across the bottom of my TV screen this morning said: “Mulroney miffed at reports of his early demise”. Somehow I think “miffed” is an understatement.
I was lucky enough to spend a few hours with the guy a few years back. He indulged the geek in me by telling stories about his years as PM. Everyone writes about his “legendary Irish charm” and they are not lying. Up close the man can tell a story like nobody else. A few more minutes in his office he could have sold me Amway products.

It’s because of Mulroney that Newfoundland has the offshore oil industry it has today. It’s easy to forget but the Hibernia “mega project” wasn’t an easy sell in Canada. Mulroney made that happen.
Anyway the former Prime Minister is out of Hospital and he is on the mend. Good news.

Heading to NFLD

2005-06-27T10:10:00.000-05:00

I'm on my way to Newfoundland. Actually posting from the airport. Wow I'm just like Monte! I use an Apple laptop when I'm on the road and I don't think it likes this blogger program. Posting pics seems out of the question so I will hold off on the photoshop fun for a bit. I've been looking for the right Martin pic to post; the one with him giddy as a schoolgirl with Bush seems too obvious. Don't fail me now google image search!

2005-06-26T09:20:00.000-05:00

Roadrunner by Lorne Hanks in Winnipeg.

Harper in the scrum by Alyssa Palmer.

More Fun with Photoshop

2005-06-25T21:49:00.000-05:00

There are more coming but thanks to
Jeff Minkevics for "Harper in Traffic"
R. Rickey for "Harper hits the books"

And Mr. Rickey even included the titles.

Civil Society
BBQ: Summer Fun for Everyone
Parliment for Dummies
Human Rights Primer
Rights & Freedoms
Straight Eye for the Straight Guy
Hoodwinked
Up Your Image
Sound Editing for Beginners
Canadian Law 101

Keep them coming. I'll find a new image to play with soon.

2005-06-25T17:18:00.000-05:00

Hot and Hazy

2005-06-25T10:40:00.000-05:00

It’s too damn hot! 34 degrees in Toronto yesterday, and they say today it will be 41 with the humidity. This is no place for a Newfoundlander; I’m part seal pup. I melt when it gets past 25.

I’m on my way to Newfoundland on Monday for the opening of The Rooms. (www.therooms.ca) Not a moment too soon. If you are sitting in Toronto dying of the heat and smog grab the kids and go to Newfoundland. They will be able to breath there.

It was pretty surreal watching the budget get rammed through the other night. In my lifetime I’ve never really witnessed the NDP accomplish anything. Even the idea of them accomplishing anything seemed almost too absurd to contemplate. I always though that believing in the NDP was like believing in fairies or goblins. Not so apparently.
Canada now has an NDP budget.

When it comes to his style of governing Paul Martin is bit like a kitten chasing a string. Half the fun is watching the poor creature stumble around and slam into things with wild abandon. Like most Canadians, at the outset, I was pretty shocked by the spectacle. For a while there whenever he was asked a direct question he practically broke out in bumps. When you look in the eyes of the Prime Minister, it’s a bit disconcerting to realize you are gazing into the eyes of a hysteric.

You can’t really blame Harper for thinking he was going to be able to beat the guy. But the minute Harper opened his mouth and put it on the record that he was going to put the government out of its misery everything changed.

I remember the moment.

Martin came out of daycare centre in Gander Newfoundland and spoke to the press. I don’t remember what he had to say exactly, but what stuck me was how he said it. The stuttering disappeared. He didn’t start every sentence with five “uhhhs” and an umm.
Basically he didn’t come across like a blithering fool, which is I guess is a good ambition to have in politics. It was like he got hit in the head and was suddenly cured. The difference being he was no longer the Prime Minister, he was the candidate.

And the candiate once again gave Harper and his minions a lesson in asskicking.

God that’s gotta get tiring after a while.

And Harper? He has to face an entire summer of standing around barbecues, holding on to a paper plate of potato salad that’s been sitting in the sun too long, while armchair strategists give him advice on what he should've done differently.

Harper doesn’t look like he’s having fun, because he’s not.

And it’s just going to get worse from here.

Enjoy the heat Stephen.

2005-06-24T13:13:00.000-05:00

Manipulation courtesy of Stephen Savage. See I knew someone out there could use photoshop!

2005-06-24T10:40:00.000-05:00

Jason's new home on the web... for now.

2005-06-24T10:02:00.000-05:00

In honour of Pride celebrations this weekend www.JasonKenney.org now points to Egale Canada. No word yet on whether Jason will be marching but let me take this oppourtunity to say "Happy Pride Jason” . My Canada includes Jason in a boa surrounded by a dozen balloons and the Jason Kenney dancers vying for a best float prize.

I posted a picture yesterday. It only took me the better part of three hours and the chances of me actually remembering how to do it again are slim to none. But hey? What a picture it is! I’m sure somebody with Photoshop and some free time on their hands could have a field day with that one.

The National Citizen’s coalition has a letter to the Editor in today’s Globe and Mail claiming I’m a liberal shill. I’m not a Liberal, I’m just lazy and the Tories make it so dammed easy. Maybe if they would just stop dousing themselves with gas and waving matches around for five minutes I could focus on corruption and greed in the Liberal Party.

It should be pointed out of course that Stephen Harper used to run the National Citizens coalition. Having them write a letter defending him is the equivalent of me getting my mother to write someone who thinks I’m a liberal shill.

And she would too.

2005-06-23T17:17:00.000-05:00

">

Confidential

To: Conservative Party of Canada Caucus Members
Re: Leaders Schedule.

Please be advised that Stephen Harper will not be available for regularly scheduled beratings this coming Friday . Leaders schedule has been changed to devote time to the spontaneous charm offensive.

Caucus members are encouraged to memorize leaders schedule, attend events and cheer the leader on in an appropriate manner.

Friday June 24

5:00 pm Leader to spontaneously bump into Rona Ambrose and conservative youth caucus by centennial flame.

5:05 pm Leader will refer to Rona and youth caucus as the “hottie and her peeps”.

Assembled caucus and observers are encouraged to raise right hand, form a fist, make a circular motion and chant “Stephen! Stephen! Stephen!”

CTV countdown with Mike Duffy crew to be in attendance.

5:10 pm Leader and youth caucus to travel on foot to ByWard market where leader will spontaneously announce he is getting nipple pierced.

Canada press photographer to attend.
Photo of leader’s nipple being iced to be released immediately.

5:30 Leader to sit on deck at Milestones restaurant located near the Chateau Laurier. Leader will order and enjoy a domestic beer. Members of caucus are invited to stop by and “Have a cold one with Stephen”

While seated leader will roll up shirt sleeves and expose yellow lance Armstrong cancer bracelet. Jane Taber to be informed that “Stephen relaxed and ordered a domestic beer just like a regular guy, he talked about hockey and declared ‘anyone who drinks imported is a pansy”

(note to caucus: many of you have voiced your concerns over our last memo encouraging you to wear the yellow cancer bracelet. We have looked into your concerns and have determined that the yellow cancer bracelet does not cause cancer but is part of a campaign to beat cancer)

6:45pm Secret Hacky Sac lessons.

closed to Media

Would all the people with the title SIR please shut up.

2005-06-22T10:44:00.000-05:00

Keep those emails coming folks! The suggestions as to where JasonKenney.org should point are flooding in. I am pleased to tell you that many are totally obscene! One “avid reader” suggested a link that took me to a place that I did not know existed. A dark place, a scary place, a place with the word goat in it. There will be no link. I don’t want to be up on charges this early in the game.

My problem now is I’m basically a luddite when it comes to computers. I’m a long time user, long time looser. I’m a man who lost my Microsoft word icon on my desktop and can’t figure out how to get it back. Upshot is I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. However with the help of the Almighty I will learn how to post pictures, links, and all those things that make everyone else’s blog so sexy.

Speaking of sexy… That Sir Bob Geldof is a looker!

Okay I know I’m a cynical prick about these things but when Bob Geldof tells Canada’s Prime Minister to stay at home and skip the G8 summit are we not supposed to laugh our asses off? Did a memo go out that said aging rock stars are setting the agenda at the G8 now? Would the world be a better place if the Bob Geldofs were running it? I think so. Rock stars know a lot more than just where to score the coke you know.

Don’t get me wrong it’s not that I don’t think people like Sir Bob have a place on the world stage. If I was to hold an international symposium on getting off Junk or the perils of autoerotic asphyxiation I would expect a healthy number of rock stars with royal titles to take part in it.

Something tells me that Sir Bob is a little bitter about Bono getting too much attention.

Okay now I’m going to take some blogger tutorials. I swear this is gonna be a sexy blog any minute now.

Jason Kenney: Marxist Leninist.

2005-06-21T14:01:00.000-05:00

Like most Canadians when I’m surfing the Internet I have Canada’s parliamentary affairs channel CPAC running in the background.

I find I can work and think just a little bit more efficiently if I’m simultaneously entertained by the dull and dulcet tones of Peter McKay or the shrieking wail of Anne McClellan.

Anyway, a few weeks back I happen to catch Don Boudria standing up in the house and I can tell he is hopping mad.

Don is seriously pissed by the anti same-sex marriage crowd. It seems they have gone out and purchased one of Don’s domain names and they have been playing silly buggers with it. Take a look for yourself at www.donboudria.ca.

Don is upset that somebody stumbling across such a site would think that they were viewing an official Don Boudria website, and not a propaganda tool. Obviously Don thinks there are a lot of low intelligence voters out there googling the hell out of Don Boudria. But I digress.

Anyway, Don felt that this was a nasty below-the-belt tactic from the family values crowd. Well, the Conservative party wasn’t going to have any of this bashing of the anti-SSM crowd so Jason Kenney jumped to his feet.

I love Jason. The honorable member from Calgary Southeast is the Conservative bright light that likes to point out that gays are allowed to get married; as long as they get married to members of the opposite sex! Stupid and talking, my favorite combination in a politician. Needless to say, when Jason Kenney opens his mouth, I listen.

Anyway, long story short, Jason told Boudria it was his own fault for not registering his own domain name. I tend to agree with Jason on this; I mean, doesn’t the liberal Party have access to a teenager who can advise them on this kind of stuff? I bet a guy like Jason does. Anyway, Jason was just getting started. I include here a transcript from Hansard for your own edification.

Mr. Jason Kenney (Calgary Southeast, CPC): Mr. Speaker, the only additional element that the hon. member has brought to the Chair's attention relates to a matter which is in no way, shape or form within the purview of this House or your honour and it never has been, and hopefully never will be, that is to say, the registration of domain names on the World Wide Web.
I understand my hon. friend opposite is learned with respect to parliamentary procedure but I must infer from his remarks that he is stupefiedly ignorant about the commercial practices on the Internet.
¹ (1510)

The Speaker: Honestly, the hon. member for Calgary Southeast need not suggest that any hon. member of this House is ignorant.

Mr. Jason Kenney: Mr. Speaker, of the Internet.

The Speaker: That does not make it better. He could say that he has perhaps missed the point or something. We do not need to use this kind of language.
I would urge the hon. member to show some restraint.

Mr. Jason Kenney: Mr. Speaker, let me be clear. I did not mean ignorant in the pejorative sense but in an objective sense that the member apparently does not understand the process by which domain names are registered on the Internet.

Anyway while the speaker was admonishing Jason for such unparliamentarily language as “ignorant” I started thinking “What are the chances that Jason Kenney is so stunned that he would call another MP ignorant for not having registered his domain name when he hasn’t bothered to register his own?”

Not a chance, I figured. I am not that lucky.

Turns out the chances were pretty good. Before he sat his arse down in his seat I was the proud owner of www.jasonkenney.org.

As you can see by clicking the link, www.jasonkenney.org drives web surfers to the Marxist Leninist party of Canada. I wanted something that screamed Jason.

I should say, though, I am open to suggestions. If you think it would be more appropriate that jasonkenney.org points to hot lesbian sex, by all means drop me a line. Or maybe you have a website that needs the conservative traffic generated by this bright thinker. Just email me and tell me where jasonkenney.org should go. You can send me an email at rick@rickmercer.com and I’ll be sure to take all suggestions seriously. I might even send a dated no longer useful Monday Report t shirt or sleeve of golf balls to the winner.

Holy crap! They moved me to Tuesdays.

2005-06-20T17:33:00.000-05:00

Yes, the chatter is true. Starting in the fall Monday Report, the best show in Canada, is moving to Tuesday. This may seem odd at first glance, but realize that it’s actually part of a greater strategic initiative instigated by Canada’s public broadcaster to confuse the hell out of English language audiences. Forgive them, Lord, they know not what they do.

We ended the season as the highest rated comedy show on the Network. Clearly some drastic changes were needed.

Actually we are moving because the powers that be need the Sunday/Monday night real estate for a series of high impact Canadian dramas and mini series.

The life story of Tommy Douglas, Shania Twain and Walter Gretzky are already in the can, along with a top secret project entitled “Pierre Trudeau Boy Detective.”

The mind boggles.

Am I bitter? Not in the least. It should be noted in fact that I went to Ottawa last year with the actors union and lobbied the federal government for increased funding for indigenous Canadian drama. It worked so well I’ve lost my time slot.

Congratulations to everyone else involved in the effort.

For obvious reasons there will be a name change.

As for me, well I’m sitting on a pile of useless promotional swag.

On the upside an orphanage in the third world is going to receive a bunch of Monday Report shirts and jackets any day now. Tragically they will all be extra large. Although who knows, in the grand scheme of things this may be one of the more successful promotional moves the CBC has made in years.

So the show will now be called “The Rick Mercer Report.” I was going to go with “Rick Mercer’s Tuesday Report” but I don’t have the money to order new t-shirts at Christmas when they move us to Wednesday afternoon. Keep The Audience Guessing is our motto.

As of now Monday Report is in reruns (check your local listings). The big move to Tuesday will happen sometime in the fall.

Anyway, that’s the news here. I’m moving to Tuesday and this is in fact the first entry in my new blog. I have found that I spend a fair bit of time reading blogs lately and thought I’d give one a whirl.

I ask you: Is there anything more pathetic than sitting indoors while the sun is shining reading a blog written by Monte Solberg? That Monte, he can be kind of funny for a nut.

In an effort to be fair I would mention a Liberal blog that I read, but I’ve never stumbled on one that is interesting.

Like the Prime Minster and all new bloggers, I promise to write everyday but I probably won’t. But please check back.

I have to go now. I just looked out the window and Stephen Harper is behind my shed with Jason Kenny attempting to light my barbecue. I’m going to have to put the hose on those two. Whatever they are doing out there it seems unholy to me. If I’ve told Harper once I’ve told him a million times: “Be spontaneous and ingratiating somewhere else.”

I support the concept of nice Tories, but not in my backyard.

You always remember your first....

2005-06-20T09:11:00.000-05:00

Like many big personal firsts the anticipation is huge but it will probably turn out to be anticlimactic, clumsily executed and mercifully short.

Yup... I was right.