Tuesday, July 05, 2005

From the desk of the Prime Minister.

Dear former friend and Liberal campaign donor,

As you might have read in recent media reports, donations for the Liberal Party of Canada are at an all-time low. The numbers below tell the tale.

Total personal donations for 2004:

 Conservatives $10.9 million.
 Liberals $5.2 million.
 New Democrats $5.19 million.
 Bloc Québécois $897,000.

Our records indicate that you were once an active supporter of the Liberal Party but no longer send cheques or answer the phone when we call. Your request for a lawn sign in the event of the coming election seems to have been lost in the mail.

As you are no doubt aware a Cabinet Minister was in your area recently and dropped by your residence to speak with you directly about this situation. Unfortunately you were otherwise engaged at the time, choosing instead to lie on the floor with your family with the lights off. I understand the importance of family time and suggest you call us and tell us when an appropriate time for such a visit would be.

Many of you have voiced concern about corruption inside the liberal party, and have specifically mentioned being turned off at the notion of so called “envelopes of cash” being passed around sleazy Montréal Diners.

As your leader, I understand that if mysterious envelopes of cash are being passed around, you the rank and file, the former supporters, the backbone of the party, would feel angry and left out at not receiving one.

That said let me tell you about our new donor program that will soon replace the Laurier Club of Canada; The Laurier Party of Canada Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!

From now on when you donate $1000.00 to the Liberal Party you too will receive a fat envelope which may or may not contain one or more of the following.

Membership in the Laurier Club of Canada.
Valuable Marks Works Warehouse coupons.
Ten Thousand unmarked dollars in twenties and fifties.

This time everyone gets an envelope!

I hope that you will consider this carefully.

Thank you for your consideration.


Paul Martin, Leader
Liberal Party of Canada

P.S. Please pick up your phone.