Tuesday, November 29, 2005

From the Desk of the Prime Minister

Hello Fellow Liberals and Merry Elexmas one and all.

Wow! Can you believe it’s holiday Newsletter time again?

As you know, today the Governor General dissolved the 38th parliament of Canada. It seems like barely 18 months ago we were celebrating the birth of our recently deceased minority government. Well I guess we weren’t so much “celebrating” as putting a brave face on. Whatever you call it there was drinking involved.

Personally I find it hard to discuss the 38th Parliament. All I can really say is that, like you, I once had high hopes for its future. Needless to say it was devastating to me personally when it finally dawned on me that the 38th parliament of Canada, the fruit of my loins as it were, was helplessly retarded. (Sorry developmentally delayed, I can’t keep up).

Of course once the initial shock wore off I decided that the only decent thing to do was to play the hand I was dealt. Turns out in the end no amount of money could save the bloody thing and twenty billion dollars later Stephen Harper took it on himself to put the poor simp out of its misery.

So here we are.

So much has happened since that last election so I’ll try to be brief. Phase one of the Gomery report came out and I have been completely vindicated. Turns out I had no idea what was going on after all. Some people find this hard to believe but to those naysayers I say think back to high school. Remember that dim kid you hung out with in grade ten who never had a frigging clue what was happening? Remember him? That’s basically me except far more powerful. This is the case I will bring forward to Canada.

I’m pleased to report that the democratic deficit has been all but eliminated. KIDDING! It’s fucked but what’s a guy to do? I have Belinda on the file and she says it’s under control and that’s good enough for me.

Of course I have to mention Belinda. If it wasn’t for her this government would have died months ago and me along with it. Some people in the press have referred to her as my guardian angel, I prefer to think of her as my political defibrillator. Even to this day when I see her coming I want to tear open my shirt, put Vaseline on my nipples and yell CLEAR!

The rest of the front bench is doing well and looking forward to the coming Elexmas season.

I am proud to report that Deputy Prime Minister Anne Mclellan is raring to go. People don’t know how hard she works. I bumped into her just minutes after the non-confidence vote and instead of feeling sorry for us she was busy putting up posters for a yard sale at her house. Everything must go apparently. She is a multi-tasker that Anne!

Scott Brison has turned out to be the star of the front bench. Personally, I am sick and tired of people saying that the behaviour in Question period is like a bunch of kids on the playground. If it was like a playground would I hide behind the gay kid when I got picked on? Hardly.

Anyway I have to go now. Scott Reid is barking at me to get my ass in his office pronto! May I take this time as your Prime Minister to wish you well and may I be the first to say to you: Merry Elexmas and hopefully we will live to see another year.

Paul Martin