Wednesday, November 30, 2005

From the Desk of Stephen Harper

Hello My Fellow Conservatives,

It has come to my attention that the lying Liberals have recently released an “Elexmas newsletter”. This is nothing but another example of the “culture of entitlement” and I would like to take this opportunity to emulate them. Let us never forget, as Conservatives, we despise the Liberals and all they stand for; but there must be no discernable difference between us and them.

So, Merry Elexmas!

By now you know that we have defeated the government. It has been suggested that the people of Canada do not want an election at this juncture. Those of you who know me know this: I don’t care what the people think. I am not a people person. I don’t like people and the feeling is mutual.

I must admit I am sick of this discussion. I ask you, why in heaven’s name would I like People? The so called “people” had their chance 18 months ago and they choose not to give me a majority. This morning I suggested to Tom Flannigan that we should change our campaign slogan from “Standing up for Canada” to “Fuck the People”. He said no, pointing out that in politics honesty is not the best policy. “Besides” he added, “300 million bucks on an election nobody wants is about as big a “fuck you” to the people that the Tories can muster”. How we laughed!

So far I feel the campaign is going really well. In an effort to appease Ontario voters it is imperative that we bring forward an image of moderation. To this end I would like to point out that I waited a full five hours after parliament dissolved before I started in on the queers.

Some leftists have suggested that I choose the first day of the campaign to discuss gay marriage to get the issue out of the way. This is not true. I choose to discuss gay marriage on day one because it is a number one issue. In fact I would like nothing better than to spend every day of this campaign discussing gay sex. Unfortunately I cannot do that, but I am announcing today the formation of a “Conservative gay sex caucus”. The caucus will meet with me throughout the campaign and will monitor any new gay sex practices that may develop over the holiday season.

As you know, I have stated I will hold a free vote in parliament on the issue of gay marriage when I am prime minister. And let me reiterate: “I will not whip my Cabinet on the issue of same sex marriage”. When I made that commitment to caucus Jason Kenney broke the ice by raising his hand and saying “Whip me! Whip me!” What a soldier! Later he pulled me aside at John Baird’s headquarters and told me sincerely that if asked to sit in cabinet he will serve, and that he for one he will gladly be whipped on the issue of gay marriage. He is a stand-up guy Jason, always willing to subjugate himself for the cause of conservatism.

Anyway it’s day two and I have to run. Somebody at Tory Headquarters gave my phone number to Peter McKay and now I have to get a new phone and initiate another purge.

Good luck and God Bless.

Stephen Harper

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

From the Desk of the Prime Minister

Hello Fellow Liberals and Merry Elexmas one and all.

Wow! Can you believe it’s holiday Newsletter time again?

As you know, today the Governor General dissolved the 38th parliament of Canada. It seems like barely 18 months ago we were celebrating the birth of our recently deceased minority government. Well I guess we weren’t so much “celebrating” as putting a brave face on. Whatever you call it there was drinking involved.

Personally I find it hard to discuss the 38th Parliament. All I can really say is that, like you, I once had high hopes for its future. Needless to say it was devastating to me personally when it finally dawned on me that the 38th parliament of Canada, the fruit of my loins as it were, was helplessly retarded. (Sorry developmentally delayed, I can’t keep up).

Of course once the initial shock wore off I decided that the only decent thing to do was to play the hand I was dealt. Turns out in the end no amount of money could save the bloody thing and twenty billion dollars later Stephen Harper took it on himself to put the poor simp out of its misery.

So here we are.

So much has happened since that last election so I’ll try to be brief. Phase one of the Gomery report came out and I have been completely vindicated. Turns out I had no idea what was going on after all. Some people find this hard to believe but to those naysayers I say think back to high school. Remember that dim kid you hung out with in grade ten who never had a frigging clue what was happening? Remember him? That’s basically me except far more powerful. This is the case I will bring forward to Canada.

I’m pleased to report that the democratic deficit has been all but eliminated. KIDDING! It’s fucked but what’s a guy to do? I have Belinda on the file and she says it’s under control and that’s good enough for me.

Of course I have to mention Belinda. If it wasn’t for her this government would have died months ago and me along with it. Some people in the press have referred to her as my guardian angel, I prefer to think of her as my political defibrillator. Even to this day when I see her coming I want to tear open my shirt, put Vaseline on my nipples and yell CLEAR!

The rest of the front bench is doing well and looking forward to the coming Elexmas season.

I am proud to report that Deputy Prime Minister Anne Mclellan is raring to go. People don’t know how hard she works. I bumped into her just minutes after the non-confidence vote and instead of feeling sorry for us she was busy putting up posters for a yard sale at her house. Everything must go apparently. She is a multi-tasker that Anne!

Scott Brison has turned out to be the star of the front bench. Personally, I am sick and tired of people saying that the behaviour in Question period is like a bunch of kids on the playground. If it was like a playground would I hide behind the gay kid when I got picked on? Hardly.

Anyway I have to go now. Scott Reid is barking at me to get my ass in his office pronto! May I take this time as your Prime Minister to wish you well and may I be the first to say to you: Merry Elexmas and hopefully we will live to see another year.

Paul Martin

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Pants on Fire by Jamie Tucker

'Named your fear must be before banish it you can' by Stewart Dick

Welcome to the Suck by Ashley Power

Parade by Catherine Stoyko

Going to Niagara

Oswald's Witness by Andrew Seipp

Wrestling Match by Darryl Jackson

Tiananmen Square by Andrew Trumbo

Chretien Bike Race by Erich Harvey

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Run Jean Run!

Well I slapped up this picture of Chretien on my show website at and you have delivered. You answered the call folks, you went to work and you photoshopped like hell. And when I said "you went to work" I mean that literally. You did it at work! Thats the kind of commitment I want to see more of. Pranks are that much sweeter when done on company time.
Stay tuned for more photoshop fun.
The Original.

Tractor Baby by Anthony Forest

Tightrope by Ed Robertson

Choices by Mark Fahey

Speeder Bike

Shopping Cart of Cash by Jesse Mussio

Ride 'em Chretien by Owen Minns

The Gangs all Here by Ed Robertson

Later Buddy!

Monty Chretien by Bryor Snefjella

Haida Hideaway by Katie Burns

Nice Coconuts! by Doug D.

Coming Soon by Michael Ivey

Harpers bestest buddy

Apollo by Andy McMullen

Ten by Eric Loring

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Hello from Churchill

Hello from Churchill Manitoba. As I write this I am a scant 1000 miles north of Winnipeg smack dab in the polar bear capital of the world.

Why, you may ask, would I choose to travel to Churchill during this of all weeks? Why Churchill when Ottawa is boiling with political intrigue?

Honestly I came here because it was the furthest place I could humanly get from Ralph Goodale’s economic update. The plan worked. Not a soul up here has mentioned it since I arrived.

Well that's not entirely true. One Inuit guy yelled something at me about the Liberals trying to buy Canadians off with their own money again but he was on an all terrain vehicle and driving very fast so I didn't get the entire gist of what he was saying.

Churchill is amazing. The place is crawling with Polar Bears. You haven't lived until you find yourself standing outside in 27 below weather suddenly face-to-face with a nine foot polar bear. A polar bear at first glance seems so sweet and cuddly but beneath their adorable exterior beats the heart of a vicious predator who would rather see you dead than alive.

It’s kind of the opposite of Stephen Harper’s problem.

I actually got to tag along with some guys from the Department of Natural Resources as they took a giant drugged polar bear, stuck him in a net and airlifted him via helicopter out of harms way. It’s quite a sight to see. They use a technique that was actually developed in Alberta as the most efficient way to transport Ralph Klein back and forth between Edmonton and Calgary.

As of right now I am actually stuck here in Churchill. Winnipeg is snowed in and so the lovely Calm Air aircraft that makes the Churchill-Winnipeg run is sitting in three feet of snow in Winnipeg and thus not ready for boarding here in Churchill. The downside is if I don't make it out tonight I won’t get to shoot in Winnipeg tonight and tomorrow at the University of Manitoba as I had planned. The upside is I ate the best arctic char in my life last night and if I'm stuck here tonight I will be eating more of it.

This is, after all, Canadian Show biz.

My adventure in Churchill will be airing next Tuesday night on the show. Well that is if the snow in Winnipeg stops and I get out of here. The lady at the airport said she really believed we would get a flight out tonight or by next April at the very latest so fingers crossed.

Tonight on the show I visit Paul Martin at 24 Sussex drive. It was a fun visit. I felt a bit bad that his entire world seemed to be crumbling around him when I showed up with the camera but really every day is like that. What’s a guy supposed to do?

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Trudeau: Pave the Nahanni.

My schedule has gotten so crazy that I have taken a speed reading course. It allows me to read and retain information in 1/14 the time.

I love it. I now have time to read articles and columns I normally wouldn’t. Sometimes the nuances are lost but the facts are all there.

For example I read in yesterdays Globe and Mail that Justin Trudeau, the son of former Prime Minister John Turner, has plans to drain the mighty Nahanni River.

Apparently Justin recently took a break from taping his wildly popular CTV show Canadian Idol and actually canoed across the Nahinni in a boat.

Justin claims that while looking over an apparently spectacular gorge or some such thing that he was struck by a vision. Elevated to an enhanced spiritual state after consuming rare hallucinogenic lichens living nearby, he looked at the gorge and made himself a promise. He promised himself that he would find out what valuable minerals lie beneath the raging river and quickly decided that draining it was the easiest way.

He has launched a campaign to that effect and although the plan technically involves simply draining the whole works into the USA, he has chosen not to call the program “Drain the Nahanni” in favour of the catchier “Pave the Nahanni”

I encourage all TV celebrities to get involved in good works and I applaud this initiative on the part of one of Canada’s leading educators.