Wednesday, November 30, 2005

From the Desk of Stephen Harper

Hello My Fellow Conservatives,

It has come to my attention that the lying Liberals have recently released an “Elexmas newsletter”. This is nothing but another example of the “culture of entitlement” and I would like to take this opportunity to emulate them. Let us never forget, as Conservatives, we despise the Liberals and all they stand for; but there must be no discernable difference between us and them.

So, Merry Elexmas!

By now you know that we have defeated the government. It has been suggested that the people of Canada do not want an election at this juncture. Those of you who know me know this: I don’t care what the people think. I am not a people person. I don’t like people and the feeling is mutual.

I must admit I am sick of this discussion. I ask you, why in heaven’s name would I like People? The so called “people” had their chance 18 months ago and they choose not to give me a majority. This morning I suggested to Tom Flannigan that we should change our campaign slogan from “Standing up for Canada” to “Fuck the People”. He said no, pointing out that in politics honesty is not the best policy. “Besides” he added, “300 million bucks on an election nobody wants is about as big a “fuck you” to the people that the Tories can muster”. How we laughed!

So far I feel the campaign is going really well. In an effort to appease Ontario voters it is imperative that we bring forward an image of moderation. To this end I would like to point out that I waited a full five hours after parliament dissolved before I started in on the queers.

Some leftists have suggested that I choose the first day of the campaign to discuss gay marriage to get the issue out of the way. This is not true. I choose to discuss gay marriage on day one because it is a number one issue. In fact I would like nothing better than to spend every day of this campaign discussing gay sex. Unfortunately I cannot do that, but I am announcing today the formation of a “Conservative gay sex caucus”. The caucus will meet with me throughout the campaign and will monitor any new gay sex practices that may develop over the holiday season.

As you know, I have stated I will hold a free vote in parliament on the issue of gay marriage when I am prime minister. And let me reiterate: “I will not whip my Cabinet on the issue of same sex marriage”. When I made that commitment to caucus Jason Kenney broke the ice by raising his hand and saying “Whip me! Whip me!” What a soldier! Later he pulled me aside at John Baird’s headquarters and told me sincerely that if asked to sit in cabinet he will serve, and that he for one he will gladly be whipped on the issue of gay marriage. He is a stand-up guy Jason, always willing to subjugate himself for the cause of conservatism.

Anyway it’s day two and I have to run. Somebody at Tory Headquarters gave my phone number to Peter McKay and now I have to get a new phone and initiate another purge.

Good luck and God Bless.

Stephen Harper