Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Merry Elexmas! A Campaign Update from The Desk of the Prime Minister

My fellow Liberals,

All in all a pretty good start I think.

As expected the media has been critical of us in these, the early days of the campaign. Basically they are all saying the same thing:

1. The Liberals don’t have a cohesive campaign plan.
2. The Prime Minister seems to be invisible.

Well all I can say is imagine how embarrassed they are going to be when they realize that me being invisible is the cohesive campaign plan. Eat that Chantal Hebert!

It’s a simple plan but it is a solid one. As you know I believe that “the simple way is the best way” (or at least that’s what the party clearly decided in the months before my coronation)… but I digress. Let me spell it out for you: this election is going to be decided in the heartland that is Ontario, and the more I stay out of Ontario the more popular I get.

Look, Harper is on the news every five minutes. Turn on the News and there’s Harper getting shit on by another gravol-laced baby. Where, you may ask, is the Prime Minister? I’m doing private radio in the anonymous nether regions of Atlantic Canada! Meanwhile I’m going up in the polls and Harper is flat-lining. It’s very exciting. I looked at the Ontario polls last night and the results were tremendous. My chart looks like the rising heart rate of a hysteric and Harper’s looks like Duffy’s last EKG.

It’s a plan that works and we are sticking with it. Right now we just have to figure out how to hide me effectively. Yesterday I heard Tim Murphy say “If it was up to me I’d schedule the Prime Minister to spend the entire 50 days of the campaign in a gimp box!” I think that’s the hip young term for the war room.

Actually I might just sit back and watch Belinda kick Harper’s ass in Ontario old school. The woman is on fire! She was at the Canadian Club yesterday and she defended joining my government by saying “It’s not where you sit it’s where you stand!”

Not a bad line! Personally I think she should have said what I told her to say:

“Well the thing is, well, umm standing and sitting are of course, entirely different… and umm therefore when I went into public life I was er...committing to a course of action that involved sitting down for what is right unless of course standing was required which is a position that I have always held.”

Belinda also spoke quite eloquently on why more women do not get involved in politics. She mentioned that women in politics always get asked about what kind of shoes they are wearing. Just once I would love to get that question. I’d like nothing more than to plug my pal at Aaron’s Orthopedic.

Speaking of billionaires, I have to hand it to Harper on his new childcare plan. He has certainly taken some wind out of our sails. It’s ironic that Canadian Business week released the names of the 100 richest Canadians the day after Harper released his child daycare plan. Every person on that list with a child under 3 will get a check for $1200 from a Harper government. I’ll know we are in trouble when Ken Thompson and Galen Weston run out and adopt Romanian babies.

We’re just going to have to suck this one back I think. Offering 1200 bucks to rich people won’t create daycare spaces but it could translate into votes. Today I was told that Celine Dion slapped a Tory sign on side of Caesar’s Palace when she heard that Harper is going to send her a $1200 government check to offset the cost of her childcare.

Well I should run. Someone on the plane is passing out more cookies with my head on them. I don’t mind when my own staff gleefully chews my neck off in front of the press. They are laughing with me not at me. Right?

Yours in defending Canada,

Paul Martin