Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Mulroney Unleashed.

The headline crawling across the bottom of my TV screen this morning said: “Mulroney miffed at reports of his early demise”. Somehow I think “miffed” is an understatement.
I was lucky enough to spend a few hours with the guy a few years back. He indulged the geek in me by telling stories about his years as PM. Everyone writes about his “legendary Irish charm” and they are not lying. Up close the man can tell a story like nobody else. A few more minutes in his office he could have sold me Amway products.

It’s because of Mulroney that Newfoundland has the offshore oil industry it has today. It’s easy to forget but the Hibernia “mega project” wasn’t an easy sell in Canada. Mulroney made that happen.
Anyway the former Prime Minister is out of Hospital and he is on the mend. Good news.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Heading to NFLD

I'm on my way to Newfoundland. Actually posting from the airport. Wow I'm just like Monte! I use an Apple laptop when I'm on the road and I don't think it likes this blogger program. Posting pics seems out of the question so I will hold off on the photoshop fun for a bit. I've been looking for the right Martin pic to post; the one with him giddy as a schoolgirl with Bush seems too obvious. Don't fail me now google image search!

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Roadrunner by Lorne Hanks in Winnipeg.

Harper in the scrum by Alyssa Palmer.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

More Fun with Photoshop

There are more coming but thanks to
Jeff Minkevics for "Harper in Traffic"
R. Rickey for "Harper hits the books"

And Mr. Rickey even included the titles.

Civil Society
BBQ: Summer Fun for Everyone
Parliment for Dummies
Human Rights Primer
Rights & Freedoms
Straight Eye for the Straight Guy
Up Your Image
Sound Editing for Beginners
Canadian Law 101

Keep them coming. I'll find a new image to play with soon.

Hot and Hazy

It’s too damn hot! 34 degrees in Toronto yesterday, and they say today it will be 41 with the humidity. This is no place for a Newfoundlander; I’m part seal pup. I melt when it gets past 25.

I’m on my way to Newfoundland on Monday for the opening of The Rooms. (www.therooms.ca) Not a moment too soon. If you are sitting in Toronto dying of the heat and smog grab the kids and go to Newfoundland. They will be able to breath there.

It was pretty surreal watching the budget get rammed through the other night. In my lifetime I’ve never really witnessed the NDP accomplish anything. Even the idea of them accomplishing anything seemed almost too absurd to contemplate. I always though that believing in the NDP was like believing in fairies or goblins. Not so apparently.
Canada now has an NDP budget.

When it comes to his style of governing Paul Martin is bit like a kitten chasing a string. Half the fun is watching the poor creature stumble around and slam into things with wild abandon. Like most Canadians, at the outset, I was pretty shocked by the spectacle. For a while there whenever he was asked a direct question he practically broke out in bumps. When you look in the eyes of the Prime Minister, it’s a bit disconcerting to realize you are gazing into the eyes of a hysteric.

You can’t really blame Harper for thinking he was going to be able to beat the guy. But the minute Harper opened his mouth and put it on the record that he was going to put the government out of its misery everything changed.

I remember the moment.

Martin came out of daycare centre in Gander Newfoundland and spoke to the press. I don’t remember what he had to say exactly, but what stuck me was how he said it. The stuttering disappeared. He didn’t start every sentence with five “uhhhs” and an umm.
Basically he didn’t come across like a blithering fool, which is I guess is a good ambition to have in politics. It was like he got hit in the head and was suddenly cured. The difference being he was no longer the Prime Minister, he was the candidate.

And the candiate once again gave Harper and his minions a lesson in asskicking.

God that’s gotta get tiring after a while.

And Harper? He has to face an entire summer of standing around barbecues, holding on to a paper plate of potato salad that’s been sitting in the sun too long, while armchair strategists give him advice on what he should've done differently.

Harper doesn’t look like he’s having fun, because he’s not.

And it’s just going to get worse from here.

Enjoy the heat Stephen.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Manipulation courtesy of Stephen Savage. See I knew someone out there could use photoshop!

Jason's new home on the web... for now.

In honour of Pride celebrations this weekend www.JasonKenney.org now points to Egale Canada. No word yet on whether Jason will be marching but let me take this oppourtunity to say "Happy Pride Jason” . My Canada includes Jason in a boa surrounded by a dozen balloons and the Jason Kenney dancers vying for a best float prize.

I posted a picture yesterday. It only took me the better part of three hours and the chances of me actually remembering how to do it again are slim to none. But hey? What a picture it is! I’m sure somebody with Photoshop and some free time on their hands could have a field day with that one.

The National Citizen’s coalition has a letter to the Editor in today’s Globe and Mail claiming I’m a liberal shill. I’m not a Liberal, I’m just lazy and the Tories make it so dammed easy. Maybe if they would just stop dousing themselves with gas and waving matches around for five minutes I could focus on corruption and greed in the Liberal Party.

It should be pointed out of course that Stephen Harper used to run the National Citizens coalition. Having them write a letter defending him is the equivalent of me getting my mother to write someone who thinks I’m a liberal shill.

And she would too.

Thursday, June 23, 2005



To: Conservative Party of Canada Caucus Members
Re: Leaders Schedule.

Please be advised that Stephen Harper will not be available for regularly scheduled beratings this coming Friday . Leaders schedule has been changed to devote time to the spontaneous charm offensive.

Caucus members are encouraged to memorize leaders schedule, attend events and cheer the leader on in an appropriate manner.

Friday June 24

5:00 pm Leader to spontaneously bump into Rona Ambrose and conservative youth caucus by centennial flame.

5:05 pm Leader will refer to Rona and youth caucus as the “hottie and her peeps”.

Assembled caucus and observers are encouraged to raise right hand, form a fist, make a circular motion and chant “Stephen! Stephen! Stephen!”

CTV countdown with Mike Duffy crew to be in attendance.

5:10 pm Leader and youth caucus to travel on foot to ByWard market where leader will spontaneously announce he is getting nipple pierced.

Canada press photographer to attend.
Photo of leader’s nipple being iced to be released immediately.

5:30 Leader to sit on deck at Milestones restaurant located near the Chateau Laurier. Leader will order and enjoy a domestic beer. Members of caucus are invited to stop by and “Have a cold one with Stephen”

While seated leader will roll up shirt sleeves and expose yellow lance Armstrong cancer bracelet. Jane Taber to be informed that “Stephen relaxed and ordered a domestic beer just like a regular guy, he talked about hockey and declared ‘anyone who drinks imported is a pansy”

(note to caucus: many of you have voiced your concerns over our last memo encouraging you to wear the yellow cancer bracelet. We have looked into your concerns and have determined that the yellow cancer bracelet does not cause cancer but is part of a campaign to beat cancer)

6:45pm Secret Hacky Sac lessons.

closed to Media

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Would all the people with the title SIR please shut up.

Keep those emails coming folks! The suggestions as to where JasonKenney.org should point are flooding in. I am pleased to tell you that many are totally obscene! One “avid reader” suggested a link that took me to a place that I did not know existed. A dark place, a scary place, a place with the word goat in it. There will be no link. I don’t want to be up on charges this early in the game.

My problem now is I’m basically a luddite when it comes to computers. I’m a long time user, long time looser. I’m a man who lost my Microsoft word icon on my desktop and can’t figure out how to get it back. Upshot is I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. However with the help of the Almighty I will learn how to post pictures, links, and all those things that make everyone else’s blog so sexy.

Speaking of sexy… That Sir Bob Geldof is a looker!

Okay I know I’m a cynical prick about these things but when Bob Geldof tells Canada’s Prime Minister to stay at home and skip the G8 summit are we not supposed to laugh our asses off? Did a memo go out that said aging rock stars are setting the agenda at the G8 now? Would the world be a better place if the Bob Geldofs were running it? I think so. Rock stars know a lot more than just where to score the coke you know.

Don’t get me wrong it’s not that I don’t think people like Sir Bob have a place on the world stage. If I was to hold an international symposium on getting off Junk or the perils of autoerotic asphyxiation I would expect a healthy number of rock stars with royal titles to take part in it.

Something tells me that Sir Bob is a little bitter about Bono getting too much attention.

Okay now I’m going to take some blogger tutorials. I swear this is gonna be a sexy blog any minute now.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Jason Kenney: Marxist Leninist.

Like most Canadians when I’m surfing the Internet I have Canada’s parliamentary affairs channel CPAC running in the background.

I find I can work and think just a little bit more efficiently if I’m simultaneously entertained by the dull and dulcet tones of Peter McKay or the shrieking wail of Anne McClellan.

Anyway, a few weeks back I happen to catch Don Boudria standing up in the house and I can tell he is hopping mad.

Don is seriously pissed by the anti same-sex marriage crowd. It seems they have gone out and purchased one of Don’s domain names and they have been playing silly buggers with it. Take a look for yourself at www.donboudria.ca.

Don is upset that somebody stumbling across such a site would think that they were viewing an official Don Boudria website, and not a propaganda tool. Obviously Don thinks there are a lot of low intelligence voters out there googling the hell out of Don Boudria. But I digress.

Anyway, Don felt that this was a nasty below-the-belt tactic from the family values crowd. Well, the Conservative party wasn’t going to have any of this bashing of the anti-SSM crowd so Jason Kenney jumped to his feet.

I love Jason. The honorable member from Calgary Southeast is the Conservative bright light that likes to point out that gays are allowed to get married; as long as they get married to members of the opposite sex! Stupid and talking, my favorite combination in a politician. Needless to say, when Jason Kenney opens his mouth, I listen.

Anyway, long story short, Jason told Boudria it was his own fault for not registering his own domain name. I tend to agree with Jason on this; I mean, doesn’t the liberal Party have access to a teenager who can advise them on this kind of stuff? I bet a guy like Jason does. Anyway, Jason was just getting started. I include here a transcript from Hansard for your own edification.

Mr. Jason Kenney (Calgary Southeast, CPC): Mr. Speaker, the only additional element that the hon. member has brought to the Chair's attention relates to a matter which is in no way, shape or form within the purview of this House or your honour and it never has been, and hopefully never will be, that is to say, the registration of domain names on the World Wide Web.
I understand my hon. friend opposite is learned with respect to parliamentary procedure but I must infer from his remarks that he is stupefiedly ignorant about the commercial practices on the Internet.
¹ (1510)

The Speaker: Honestly, the hon. member for Calgary Southeast need not suggest that any hon. member of this House is ignorant.

Mr. Jason Kenney: Mr. Speaker, of the Internet.

The Speaker: That does not make it better. He could say that he has perhaps missed the point or something. We do not need to use this kind of language.
I would urge the hon. member to show some restraint.

Mr. Jason Kenney: Mr. Speaker, let me be clear. I did not mean ignorant in the pejorative sense but in an objective sense that the member apparently does not understand the process by which domain names are registered on the Internet.

Anyway while the speaker was admonishing Jason for such unparliamentarily language as “ignorant” I started thinking “What are the chances that Jason Kenney is so stunned that he would call another MP ignorant for not having registered his domain name when he hasn’t bothered to register his own?”

Not a chance, I figured. I am not that lucky.

Turns out the chances were pretty good. Before he sat his arse down in his seat I was the proud owner of www.jasonkenney.org.

As you can see by clicking the link, www.jasonkenney.org drives web surfers to the Marxist Leninist party of Canada. I wanted something that screamed Jason.

I should say, though, I am open to suggestions. If you think it would be more appropriate that jasonkenney.org points to hot lesbian sex, by all means drop me a line. Or maybe you have a website that needs the conservative traffic generated by this bright thinker. Just email me and tell me where jasonkenney.org should go. You can send me an email at rick@rickmercer.com and I’ll be sure to take all suggestions seriously. I might even send a dated no longer useful Monday Report t shirt or sleeve of golf balls to the winner.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Holy crap! They moved me to Tuesdays.

Yes, the chatter is true. Starting in the fall Monday Report, the best show in Canada, is moving to Tuesday. This may seem odd at first glance, but realize that it’s actually part of a greater strategic initiative instigated by Canada’s public broadcaster to confuse the hell out of English language audiences. Forgive them, Lord, they know not what they do.

We ended the season as the highest rated comedy show on the Network. Clearly some drastic changes were needed.

Actually we are moving because the powers that be need the Sunday/Monday night real estate for a series of high impact Canadian dramas and mini series.

The life story of Tommy Douglas, Shania Twain and Walter Gretzky are already in the can, along with a top secret project entitled “Pierre Trudeau Boy Detective.”

The mind boggles.

Am I bitter? Not in the least. It should be noted in fact that I went to Ottawa last year with the actors union and lobbied the federal government for increased funding for indigenous Canadian drama. It worked so well I’ve lost my time slot.

Congratulations to everyone else involved in the effort.

For obvious reasons there will be a name change.

As for me, well I’m sitting on a pile of useless promotional swag.

On the upside an orphanage in the third world is going to receive a bunch of Monday Report shirts and jackets any day now. Tragically they will all be extra large. Although who knows, in the grand scheme of things this may be one of the more successful promotional moves the CBC has made in years.

So the show will now be called “The Rick Mercer Report.” I was going to go with “Rick Mercer’s Tuesday Report” but I don’t have the money to order new t-shirts at Christmas when they move us to Wednesday afternoon. Keep The Audience Guessing is our motto.

As of now Monday Report is in reruns (check your local listings). The big move to Tuesday will happen sometime in the fall.

Anyway, that’s the news here. I’m moving to Tuesday and this is in fact the first entry in my new blog. I have found that I spend a fair bit of time reading blogs lately and thought I’d give one a whirl.

I ask you: Is there anything more pathetic than sitting indoors while the sun is shining reading a blog written by Monte Solberg? That Monte, he can be kind of funny for a nut.

In an effort to be fair I would mention a Liberal blog that I read, but I’ve never stumbled on one that is interesting.

Like the Prime Minster and all new bloggers, I promise to write everyday but I probably won’t. But please check back.

I have to go now. I just looked out the window and Stephen Harper is behind my shed with Jason Kenny attempting to light my barbecue. I’m going to have to put the hose on those two. Whatever they are doing out there it seems unholy to me. If I’ve told Harper once I’ve told him a million times: “Be spontaneous and ingratiating somewhere else.”

I support the concept of nice Tories, but not in my backyard.

You always remember your first....

Like many big personal firsts the anticipation is huge but it will probably turn out to be anticlimactic, clumsily executed and mercifully short.

Yup... I was right.